If you’re a Lady Gaga fan then you’re probably pretty happy that she got an Oscar nod for her role in A Star is Born. Personally, I was pretty upset. I mean, congratulations are in order to her, I guess, but it doesn’t change the fact that the entire system is rigged. The Academy has a long history of ignoring riveting performances by musicians in movies, and I’m not entirely sure why they decided to break their stance by recognizing Lady Gaga for a role in a movie that, in my opinion, romanticized a horribly abusive and co-dependent relationship. This will not stand. So today I decided to specifically call out the Academy for their slights against musicians-turned-actors.
Tone Loc, Surf Ninjas
Ok, sure, maybe Surf Ninjas doesn’t have the same cache as a Bradley Cooper-directed remake, and we all know the Academy loves to ignore comedies in favor of dramas, but tell me Tone Loc doesn’t nail that punch line in the clip above, friends. Tell me straight to my face.
Vanilla Ice, Everything he’s ever been in
I firmly believe that “Ninja Rap” needs to be played at every State funeral this great country of ours has, so wonderful is its melody. How can a man who has both rapped with turtles and ridden a motorcycle in a race against a girl on a horse not been nominated for any award? It simply doesn’t make sense.
Madonna, Desperately Seeking Susan
I really like this movie; it should have won all the awards in 1985. You know what won instead? Amadeus. That movie blows—who cares about white guys and their complicated relationships? I basically just described 85 percent of all movies with that one sentence. Makes you think, doesn’t it?
LL Cool J, Deep Blue Sea
Oh, you think it’s easy to portray a cook with a bird when you’re getting attacked by a shark? Then, by all means, go ahead. I’ll wait while you try to come up with a performance half as engaging as LL right here.
…not so easy, is it? Yet still, he was given nothing for his role in the second greatest movie about a shark attacking people.
Ok, sure, she won for Moonstruck, which is a great movie—but how many damn times has Meryl Streep been nominated? Cher is the best, and Mermaids is the best, plus Michael Schoeffling is in it, so Mermaids deserved to win all the awards. My logic is infallible.
Toni Basil, Rockula
I talk about the wonder of Rockula a lot, and I’ll never stop. All I’m saying is that if some “respected” (aka dude) director like Paul Thomas Anderson included the above scene in one of his movies, it would be lauded as evocative and wholly original, but because it’s in a movie about a virgin vampire who’s haunted by the reoccurring death of his reincarnated would-be lover by a ham bone, it was crickets come awards time. Hardly seems fair, does it?
The Spice Girls, Spice World
Spice World is a seriously funny movie, and each Spice Girl has comedic chops that can dance circles around [insert overrated comedian of your choice here]. The fact that the Academy didn’t pull a Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and award each Spice Girl an honorary Oscar for this cinematic achievement is a crime against art on par with Crash winning over Mean Girls for Best Picture (and yes, I know Mean Girls wasn’t even nominated, don’t get me started on that. You tell me between Crash, Brokeback Mountain, and Mean Girls which movie has had the biggest impact on the cultural zeitgeist and is still treated as relevant in 2019.)
Life, like the Oscars, isn’t fair, I get it. I guess I can take solace in the fact that maybe one day, these awards will be more inclusive of all talents in Hollywood, but until that day, I’ll let LL Cool J play us out in the greatest rap song about a shark that I know.
Header Image Source: Getty