Why is Kate Middleton's Uncle on Celebrity Big Brother?

The definition of ‘celebrity’ is pretty sturdy: It’s a famous or well-known person. Granted, what is considered famous or well-known has expanded over the decades as pop culture and media grow, so there are plenty of people out there who you’ve never heard of that are very big deals to others (hello, everyone on a Bravo show to me.) Z-Listers are a crucial part of the ecosystem. You always need someone to do tatty reality shows, appear at low-level nightclub openings, and shill that tea that makes you sh*t yourself. Now that Big Brother is back in the UK, and the Celebrity edition has just been relaunched, you need those wannabes to pad out the cast. Enter Gary Goldsmith: ‘businessman’, convicted criminal, and Kate Middleton’s uncle.

Yup, a man known to the world only because his niece is famous is a ‘celebrity’ and now he’s a contestant on Celebrity Big Brother alongside some people who you might have actually heard of (if you’re British, and even then some of these are a bit sketchy): Levi Roots, Louis Walsh, Ekin-Su from Love Island, and Fern Britton. Goldsmith said he wanted to tackle the media’s perception of him, which is hilarious because he was never perceived to begin with. Actually, scratch that, because if you knew him at all, you knew him for two things: One, a sting done by News of the World where he got caught doing coke on camera; and two, being charged with assault for punching his wife in the face in 2017. That’s what this guy is known for: drugs, star-f*cking, and hitting women. A perfect contestant for any reality show, I imagine.

The British press has, of course, found a way to connect all of this to Meghan Markle, a woman he has never met and who is just living her damn life 6000 miles away. Goldsmith also said the Duke and Duchess of Sussex could not ‘throw your family under a bus in such a dramatic style’ and still be expected ‘to be invited round for Christmas.’ He then claimed that ‘at some point he’s going to want to come back and be part of the gang, he might need to, but I think we’re a very forgiving nature and I think everybody will give him a chance again.’ Again, this is the coke-addled wife-beating uncle of Kate Middleton. Who the hell are you, dude? Also, would you like me to introduce this black pot to your kettle?

Kate, who is recovering from surgery and is currently being speculated over as if she were a weather balloon in Roswell, probably isn’t wild about this. Frankly, the most relatable thing about her might be having that one sh*tbag in the family who can’t keep their mouth shut.

The British press is trying to toe this line of gobbling up all the anti-Meghan stuff Goldsmith is spewing while scolding him for embarrassing the Middletons. They’ve got an apparent quota of hate to meet but don’t want to rock the boat with the royals, whose PR situation right now is frankly dire. Goldsmith has certainly helped to fuel those fires by appearing on GB News with Dan Wootton (who recently got sacked from the channel after Ofcom upheld a complaint of misogyny against him and Laurence Fox) to rant about the royals. This is a country so foul and so desperate to perpetuate misogyny and racism that they’ll let a convicted wife-beater lecture Meghan on family loyalty and decency. It’d be funny if it weren’t so tragic.

At one point, Goldsmith, defending Kate against the weird conspiracies, said that she was ‘hard to get a hold of at the best of times.’ Honey, have you considered that maybe you’re the problem there?