In a shocking turn of events that no one could’ve possibly seen coming, Justin Bieber has decided that he no longer wishes to fulfill humanity’s dream of watching him get systematically waffle-stomped to death by Tom Cruise after challenging the actor to a fight on Twitter.
I wanna challenge Tom Cruise to fight in the octagon. Tom if you dont take this fight your scared and you will never live it down. Who is willing to put on the fight? @danawhite ?— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) June 10, 2019
While talking to TMZ, Bieber tried to pass the whole thing off as a joke, but he also seemed to be at least somewhat cognizant of the fact that he would get absolutely destroyed, which is probably the most amazing part about this whole story. Justin Bieber has self-awareness? That can’t be right.
Via Jezebel who really tried their best here:
“Nah, I was just playing. The story is that […] it wasn just on my mind It was just a random tweet, I do that sometimes. But, I’m pretty sure Tom would…I think he would…he would probably whoop my ass. […] I’d have to get into shape…Yeah, I’m really skinny right now. I think he’d probably be out of my weight class. He’s big, you know? He’s got that dad strength. He’s a dad right?”
First off, jokes on you. Tom Cruise doesn’t even see his kid because she’s a suppressive person and therefore basically Hitler, according to his religion. So BAM, ya basic.
Second, what’s this “probably” sh*t? I know the big joke the other day was, “Haha, look at Justin Bieber challenging a 56-year-old man to a fight,” but I think we can all agree that Cruise is definitely no ordinary man. We’re talking about a guy who is 100% dedicated to being in top physical condition so his entire body is a constantly running testament to believing alien ghosts cause the flu and psychiatry did 9/11. The stronger and practically invulnerable Tom Cruise appears to mortal humans, the easier it is to charge people an arm and leg to join an abusive, homophobic cult that literally believes he’s reached an intergalactic level of consciousness that allows him to levitate and affect the thoughts of men. (John Travolta’s still working on that last part.)
So there’s no “probably” here. If Tom Cruise accepted Justin Bieber’s challenge, it’d be a goddamn holy war. Scientology vs. Christianity. And while Cruise might attribute his strength to space magic, it’s really the result of phenomenal genes and discipline, which he’d use to hone himself into an unstoppable fighting machine to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Dianetics eats The Bible’s lunch. Sure, both texts are pure works of fiction, so there are no winners here. But the part where Bieber gets kicked into the rafters and pees himself would definitely count as a religious experience in my book.
And speaking of Biebs, this is exactly how his training would go:
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