If you’re like me, you woke up this morning and thought to yourself, “You know what I don’t hear nearly enough about? John Mayer’s sex life.” Well, good news. He made a 42-minute long Instagram story about his penile activities because God is every flavor of dead.
While being interviewed by… Cazzie David? (I have been out of the game way too long.), Mayer discussed singing during foreplay and bragged about how many women he’s slept with, as any gentleman is wont to do. Via Page Six:
Cazzie then pivoted to whether Mayer ever makes love to his own music.
“No, but a girl has asked me to sing some of my songs in probably the run up to it,” he confessed, explaining, “If it’s after a show and a girl asks, ‘Sing Your Body is a Wonderland,’ do you want to be the kind of guy who goes, ‘No,’ or do you want to be the kind of guy that goes like, ‘We’ve got the afternoon…?’ You want to play along … I probably used my music to hook up a few times, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less from the heart.”
Later, the pair got into the nitty-gritty: Cazzie instructed Mayer to blink if he’d slept with more than 800 women. When he maintained a stare, she asked him to do the same if he slept with more than 500 women, and he still didn’t blink, joking that he’d bedded a “soft 500” ladies.
However, Mayer lamented that those days are long gone, especially with celebrities, because it turns out that women surprisingly aren’t into dudes who publicly brag about all of the sex stuff you did. Who knew? Of course, he could always go back to saying he has a “white supremacist dick,” which would kill in today’s political climate. He’d have to fight Dana Loesch off with an AR-15. (I just made that hotter for her, didn’t I? Stupid words.)
But I’m burying the lede here, and that’s John Mayer talks like a goddamn serial killer.
“But I think being a famous man is somewhat similar to be a beautiful woman, which means yes there is access, [but] there’s very seldom any desire. The older I get, the less desirous I am about unsheathing new body parts.”
“Unsheathing new body parts.” Jesus Christ, that’s some Hannibal Lecter shit. If I told a woman I wanted to “unsheath her,” that’s an open invitation to pepper spray me in the face and call the cops because I just heavily implied there’s a severed head in my fridge. There’s no other way to read that.
Anyway, here’s the full video that I didn’t watch because I value my time and really don’t want to hear John Mayer say weird and gross phrases like, “I no longer slink into the twilight hours yearning for the feel of foreign flesh fabric on my hand wieners.” No thank you.
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