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The Oscars' Red Carpet Were Also Mostly Wins, But Jodie Turner-Smith Was the Champion

By Alberto Cox Délano | Celebrity | March 13, 2023 |

By Alberto Cox Délano | Celebrity | March 13, 2023 |


The real goal of a Red Carpet is not to awe, but to entertain, to not be boring. If you get red-county rubes to laugh and nod disapprovingly, you’ve done a good job. If Minivan Majority mums agree that everyone looked beautiful and classy, you’ve done a bad job. If you make Giuliana Rancic say something stupid, you’ve changed fashion forever. So, let’s break down the best looks of the Oscars, as broken down by a total, straight idio- You know what? I’m not going to sell myself short anymore. I might be an amateur, but I come from a long line of people with Great Taste, I’m the very definition of an overeducated, coastal elite, and I always had a feeling that Björk’s swan dress was pretty. The latter alone makes me more qualified than the idiots that ran E!’s Fashion Police for over two decades. Which isn’t saying much, but hey, how many straight guys do you know that follow and love Iris Van Herpen?

Plus, 66% of the goal with these pieces is to drive thirsty clicks.

Also, everything here I owe to the blogger Check The Tag, an account that does a terrific job of uploading red carpet pics along with identifying the designers and/or stylists. The pictures are linked to their original posts, and please drop all the likes and follows. Without them, I wouldn’t be able to tell a Gucci from a Versace.

The Dudes

A little underwhelming as a whole compared to other ceremonies (like the BAFTAs or SAGs), nevertheless, the ones whom we expect to deliver, delivered.

Mandatory Andrew Garfield in Fendi

I’m under SEO contract here.


Michael B. Jordan in Louis Vuitton and Jonathan Majors.

I haven’t been able to identify who Jonathan Majors is wearing, but it does look a bit Vuitton. The stars of Creed III were both coordinated in suits evocative of the late 19th Century. Or, if you want to get conspiranoid, evocative of Will Smith in Wild Wild West. Maybe a tribute to the ostracized fellow artist? Who knows. But what you’re really here for is for their shout-out to auntie Angela:

Pedro Pascal in Zegna feat. Salma Hayek in Gucci.

This moment of Latino Pride is brought to you by mother and daddy.


Irish Gangs

Fun fact, there were probably more Irish people per million nominated at these Oscars than any other country. That’s probably a lie, but it has a ring of truth to it, right? We had Colin Farrell with his son Henry, both looking adorable in what appears to be Armani; Barry Keogan and wife Shona in Louis Vuitton (love the blackberry yogurt color of his suit) and Paul Mescal in Gucci, who being a true Good Irish Boy, brought his mum along.


The Best of the Night in Dudes.

Harvey Guillén in Christian Siriano

Amazing, this exudes Latin melodrama, being at once very masculine and very queer. His hair and makeup game fit the tone and color of the suit in the right way.


Harry Shum Jr. in Adeam.

Not unlike Harvey, there is a tribute within a tribute in Shum’s white, double-breasted jacket, similar to the midcentury stylings of Wong Kar-Wai referenced in EEAAO.


Lukas Dhont in custom Prada.

The best thing abouts this cyberpunk, very modern outfit worn by the director of Close is that it actually looks cozy.


The Dames.

Everyone had fun. Now allow me to disappoint my mum by not featuring the dresses she loved. A special shout-out to the flirty, bridal Dior worn by Michelle Yeoh for her win. See what we she did there?

Sandra Oh in Giambatista Valli.

Straight out of the Hellenic world, complemented with large Briony Raymond pendant. It isn’t as dramatic as it appears at first glance, but she makes it fresh with her hair and makeup. Also, it makes me proud that this is the first dress whose designer I could identify at a glance.


Fan Bingbing in Tony Ward

Learning to love the art of fashion is learning to reject basicness, even when said basicness claims to be elegance. Because this is elegant, but not basic. It’s the best of both worlds, exuberance in the green, puffy sleeve-capes, sophisticated and simple in the main dress. True balance, but the fabric of the cape keeps things in check.


Malala in Ralph Lauren

I think I’ve seen this Ralph Lauren before, but she is making it her own in so many ways. I’m not qualified to say how, but I know that she is creating a culturally transformative moment with how she is using the dress’ veil.


Kerry Condon in Atelier Versace

She concludes her breakout press cycle looking fresh, sophisticated, in a graceful color and a classicist dress. I would’ve added a collar or pendant, but otherwise, she is it. And it’s not my well-known bias for Irish women talking.


Jessica Chastain in custom Gucci√

A a straight dude who has always had an interest in fashion, I’ve tried to refine my taste, more and more over the years, because a straight guy’s taste in fashion can… have certain blind spots.

But sometimes, that straight-guy taste knows better, that fashion-forwardness and deconstruction are awesome, but when someone look this freaking beautiful, you don’t need to further justify why this is one of your favorite looks of the night.


Alison Williams in Giambatista Valli

But now I’m temporarily shutting the straight guy and going with a gender-neutral YES MOTHER. YOU’RE GIVING US LIFE.

Ava DuVernay in Louis Vuitton
I don’t have animosity towards LV’s haute couture. Case in point. I love it, she looks gorgeous, she gives me Queen of the Night in The Magic Flute in the best way. Looks a little restrictive as with any LV dress, but she makes it shine.


Phoebe Waller-Bridge in Dolce & Gabbana
If you’ve seen the still from Indiana Jones 5, you’d realize that she is entering her chic-hot era, which is wholly different from a hot-chich era. Reminds me of a Mont Blanc fountain pen for some reason… and now I really don’t want this to awaken something new in me.


Janelle Monaé in Vera Wang
She is indispensable. She can make extravagant serves and she can make chic and understated serves. The cut of the skirt is the MVP of the ensemble.


Angela Bassett in Moschino
You are not here to read, so I’ll make it short. I would’ve changed that knot detail below the knees. Other than that, auntie is the winner in our headcanon timeline.


Nicole Kidman in Armani Privé
A part of me feels that Nicole has been coasting on her fashion legacy. But I like the playfulness of this one.


Halle Berry in Tamara Ralph

The hair+makeup and the flower collar carry a lot of the weight of the serve, but the ensemble is still gorgeous.


Florence Pugh in Maison Valentino
We all know she was going to do this, we all know that this is the kind of outfits she has made her own. I think the material could do with being less… susceptible to drinking, like in the one worn by Fan Binbing. My question is, will she be still wearing red carpet art when she is actually in line to win an Oscar? Don’t go bland on us girl!

Danai Guria in Jason Wu.

This is such a lovely 60s throwback. Gorgeous interaction between how the fabric captures the light and the tone of her skin.


Jessie Buckley in Rodarte


But seriously, the underrated risk-taker in fashion is Jessie Buckley. She has a beauty and an aplomb that makes her perfect to pull off these insane fashion art pieces.

But please Free Ana de Armas

This time around, she wore a pair of prettier and more flattering Louis Vuitton dresses, but they still ain’t it. They’re just letting her gorgeous face do all the job in the moment. And I’ve shown you just before examples of great Louis Vuitton dresses, it shouldn’t be this hard.



From the Vanity Fair Afterparty.

There were a lot of great looks, as people try on more daring looks, but let’s stick to three: First, Meghan Thee Stallion in a Comeback Bach Mai; Tracee Ellis Ross in a Balmain that she SHOULD’VE BROUGHT TO THE MAIN CEREMONY TOO; and, to finish it off, Jodie Turner-Smith. JODIE TURNER SMITH. In Gucci.


Alberto Cox actually still can’t tell a Gucci from a Versace. But he is trying.