Oh boy, friends, this is a Level 5 Aniston tabloid alert. Repeat, we are at a Level 5. This is not a drill. We haven’t been at this level since the halcyon days of “there’s a sensitivity chip missing” because let’s face it, the only person who really thought anything Justin Theroux did was interesting was Justin Theroux, and luckily Jen’s past that phase now.
Brad Pitt, who may or may not ever gotten that sensitivity chip put in (expect an investigation, shortly) was spotted outside Jennifer Aniston’s 50th birthday party last night. Yes friends, Jen is turning 50 on February 11th.
Do we have details? I mean, sure, yeah a few. Brad was in his (typical) hat and greasy long-ish hair combo, because I’m convinced he doesn’t have any close friends to tell him he looks like a dude who wears sweatpants and no underwear out in public. Who knows, maybe he’s trying to play The Dude’s equally abiding brother, or something?
I’m fairly confident he was there for the party, and didn’t just randomly show up, although we don’t have confirmation from either’s camp. But, friends, traffic in LA is horrible at all times, and no one goes out to the Sunset Strip on a Saturday night unless they have a reason to. Not even Nikki Sixx will go hang out by his old haunts just in the hopes someone might recognize him from his glory days. Won’t happen.
So obviously you’re here because you want to know what it all means. To me, it is obvious, but I guess if you’re asking, you don’t know.
Are they getting back together? I mean, sort of, but not in the way you expect. Friends, they were married in the year 2000—that was 19 years ago. (Remember that number.) Well, and this next part is conjecture, but let’s just engage in a thought exercise, shall we?
Let’s say in the year 2000, everything is going great. You just got married to a movie star and yeah, on the surface things look good. Let’s say you go on a honeymoon to one of those islands only rich people know about, and your new husband gets into a little trouble. Mistakes are made, and all you know is—he (and now you, because you’re married) are in a jam, and you need help quick.
Who do you call? Sometimes you can’t get out of a pickle, even if you’re super wealthy and famous. Especially when you insult the ancient, yet alive demigod who lives on said isolated island for rich people and his hospitality. (Never insult anyone’s hospitality, friend.)
Well, you make a deal with someone (or something) that is more powerful than the demigod and you hope for the best. Now friends, I’m not sure if you’ve ever been in a position to owe a powerful entity anything, but they like to toy with you—and their help comes with a price. Typically in the timespan of 20 years. That time frame may seem like a lot to you and me to wait to collect—but to an ancient immortal creature, it’s a blip. Now, it’s almost time to collect, and Pitt is getting worried.
So what if Brad was there to ask for Jen’s help? Jen, after all, isn’t dumb enough to ever make that sort of deal—it’s all on Pitt. She’s always been the levelheaded voice of reason in that relationship, so who knows? She may have been able to give him some good advice, in between celebrating her birthday.
Only time will tell, but 2020 is going to be a huge year—both because of the presidential election and the ancient entity finally collecting what’s their due from Brad Pitt.
Watch this space!
Also, Katy Perry was at Jen’s party, too.
Header Image Source: Warner Bros Television