Like 182% of my gender, I still don’t know how foreplay works, so I’m just going to come right out and say it: Tom Cruise is probably asexual. I know the prevailing theory for years is that he’s gay, but it doesn’t add up. Besides the fact that the rumor is built on outdated, toxic tropes (but also Scientology’s intolerance for LGBTQ sexual orientations and claims that its tech can “cure” homosexuality) there would be way more evidence by now. Just look at the numerous accusations surrounding John Travolta, not to mention the time Carrie Fisher just came right out and said it. We’re also living in an age where Scientology’s power has significantly waned and former members like Leah Remini are spilling tea like crazy. We know about the Danny Masterson rape accusations, slave ships, Shelly Miscavige, and a litany of abuses perpetuated by L. Ron Hubbard’s weird-ass space cult.
Notably missing from that continually growing smorgasbord of schadenfreude are pervasive rumors that Cruise likes men. Because let me be… clear? (kill me) Someone would’ve talked by now. That’s why most conspiracy theories are bullsh*t because, often, they hinge on a stupid amount of people somehow keeping their mouths shut, which flies directly in the face of human nature. So unless Tom Cruise is personally and methodically finding male lovers that no one will miss and then disposing of their bodies without the help of an intermediary at any step of the way, my dude just doesn’t f*ck, like Mimi Rogers told the world a long time ago.
The couple was childless, and rumors about Cruise’s fertility ran rampant. It didn’t help when Rogers joked in a 1993 Playboy interview that “Tom was seriously thinking of becoming a monk…he thought he had to be celibate to maintain the purity of his instrument.” Her own instrument, she added, “needed tuning.”
Now, is Cruise the Space Messiah for an abusive, predatory cult? For sure. Gay? Probably not, but the signs all seem to point to asexual. Which is why I take any “reports” that he’s in a relationship with massive grains of salt. Like the latest rumor that he’s dating Elisabeth Moss.
For starters, the source is OK! Magazine, which should’ve made this “news” a non-starter right out of the gate. You see, OK! is owned by American Media, Inc. the same parent company who owns the National Enquirer, which tried to peddle the same exact rumor about Cruise and Moss two years ago. So the “BULLSH*T” beacon is fully glowing right now.
However, the methodology here isn’t wrong. Moss is a devout Scientologist, and the church does have a documented history of auditioning girlfriends for Cruise. Which means Moss could be minding her own business, spraying prestige television out of her apartments, and a black SUV can pull up at any second and say it has orders from alien ghosts in a volcano that she needs to date Tom Cruise or be labeled a suppressive person. What’s a suppressive person, you ask? The worst possible sh*t you can be, according to Scientology’s own website. The following is actual church literature.
A Suppressive Person (SP) is a person who seeks to suppress other people in their vicinity. A Suppressive Person will goof up or vilify any effort to help anybody and particularly knife with violence anything calculated to make human beings more powerful or more intelligent.
The Suppressive Person is also known as the Anti-Social Personality. Within this category one finds Napoleon, Hitler, the unrepentant killer and the drug lord.
Just so we’re on the same page, once Scientology labels you an SP, you are dead (and also Hitler) to other members. Leah Remini falls into that category, and so does someone else: Suri Cruise. Tom Cruise’s own daughter because, again, while I think the gay rumors are reductive horseh*t, that doesn’t mean he isn’t a god-awful Space Jesus.
Is that someone Elisabeth Moss would date? I’d like to say no, but if the intergalactic orders come in, welcome to Thetan Gilead. Please be sure to compliment Lord Cruise on how high he can levitate, and assure him that it’s not aided in any way by him being a leprechaun. Lord Cruise is a big boy.