We all were under the impression that this has been an excruciatingly slow news week for celebrity and pop culture news. How naïve we were. On August 17th, 2018 at 7:54 pm, People.com released their explosive investigation announcing to the world “Ben Affleck ‘Seemed Interested’ in Playboy Model During Dinner in Malibu, Source Says.” Fifty years from now we’ll still be able to recall with perfect detail what we were wearing, what we were doing, and who we were with when we initially heard this news.
Not since “Deep Throat” has the world demanded to know who a source was, what they knew, and what they were withholding from the public. We knew it was our duty to dive deep into this because other outlets were too terrified that they might just uncover the truth.
To recap, here’s what we know so far:
Ben Affleck is an actor. He seemed interested.
Now that you’re up to speed, let’s dive into it.
Affleck was at Nobu in Malibu earlier this week with Playboy model Shauna Sexton, and according to the nameless source via People.com, “She looked very cute, and he seemed interested.”
Without much to go on, we had to get to the bottom of what could have interested Ben Affleck.
This is important news. We believed that our source was telling us more in their quotes than initially met the eye. We knew that the information was there, we just had to decipher the code. It was time to dig deep.
Our first thought was that perhaps Ben Affleck has an allergy and was studiously going over the menu to avoid any allergen, perhaps shellfish. A very brief search online only returned that he is allergic to Superman socks. It seemed like a dead end.
Secondly, we examined the Nobu menu. Barring allergies, perhaps he was concerned about the cost of entrees, in particular, the “10 oz Prime New York Strip w/ Seasonal Mushrooms,” which retails for $92, tax and tip not included. Since his divorce to Jennifer Garner is not yet finalized, we concluded that he was unlikely to be concerned about cash flow at this time. Another dead end.
We had to turn our attention to Shauna Sexton herself and see where the research took us. According to her Playmates profile (not linked) Sexton was born in Virginia Beach, Virginia. This was the lead we were looking for. According to bestplaces.net (the leading authority with a .net extension of places that are best) the largest economic sector in Virginia Beach is “Health care and social assistance,” another dead end… or so we thought. Something caught our eye buried deep in the data, the sector “Accommodation, food services,” which accounts for 9.2% of the Virginia Beach economic sector, yet just 7.4% from a national average. These numbers weren’t adding up, and then it clicked into place.
Ben Affleck. Restaurant. A delegation from Virginia Beach. Anonymous source.
We knew we were on to something. The final piece of the puzzle came into focus through a quick Google search. Just last year, Ben Affleck was photographed getting Jack in the Box. We had cracked the case thanks largely to the clues the anonymous source left for us in the People.com article.
Now, we have yet to confirm via Affleck’s management team, so what follows is merely our conjecture, but we’re confident in our conclusion of the following: Ben Affleck was at Nobu in Malibu earlier this week having dinner with Shauna Sexton to discuss the viability of opening a Jack in the Box franchise in Virginia Beach, where there currently are none. It’s the only logical conclusion.
As for the source? We can only speculate as they did not wish for their identity to be discovered, but our guess is that it is none other than Magic Johnson, who has an ownership stake in multiple Burger King franchises. We believe Mr. Johnson, sensing Affleck was primed to make a move into the very exclusive sphere of celebrities who own fast food franchises, secretly leaked details of Affleck’s dinner with Sexton to send him a message. What that message is, is unclear.
What is clear is that Affleck seemed interested. Very interested.
This has been a Pajiba Investigation, Saturday Edition.