Today Elon Musk may have put a cherry on top of the crazy celebrity baby name trends. We have reach the apex—I’m not sure anyone can ever outdo “X Æ A-12” as a name for an actual human child, and not an algebra equation I never paid attention to in class because I was too busy doing anything else but that.
However, this is only the apex because Musk stands on the shoulders of giants. So, in honor of this pinnacle of achievement, I’m here today to share with you the craziest celebrity baby names of all time. Sit down, strap in, and enjoy—and remember, sometimes stars really aren’t just like us.
What a lost opportunity. Schwarzenegger is the son of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver, and here’s what you’re missing here. He was born in 1993, two years after Planet Hollywood launched. Which means he was born during the unholy alliance of Arnie and Sly Stallone. Which means he should have been named Rambo to show some respect to his dad’s business partner. Nothing brings two business partners together than naming one’s son after the other’s other business ventures. I read about that in a book I found in an alley but then misplaced in another alley. Which means, it’s fact, because it was written down!
Rambo Schwarzenegger, what a name! Instead, we get “Patrick.” Absolutely bananas. What were his parents thinking, no wonder Planet Hollywood failed!!
Ava Elizabeth Phillippe
Honestly, I expected more from Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe. Ava? What kind of name is Ava!? Sure, it’s pretty, but Koi Pond is a much stronger option. Koi Pond Phillippe has such a nice ring to it—and I’m pretty sure she would have been one of two Koi Ponds in her class, which is perfect. Not too popular, but not too weird, either—so no one teased her, ya know? I’m just sorry her parents didn’t think of that sooner. Poor Ava—she could have been a Koi Pond, if only her parents had had a little more common sense.
You may not know this because you don’t love jeans the way I do, but Anderson is the child of a famous person—Gloria Vanderbilt, which probably makes sense with a name like Anderson Cooper. Really, Anderson?! Why name your child anything but Cooper, here?! Cooper Cooper! It’s just common sense, especially if you want to use your child a cipher to summon the dark lord of wine and destruction, or are a big fan of Little Caesar’s pizza because everyone knows repetition is the key to both summoning and the catchphrase of that little Caesar who promotes pizza.
Look. Kate Hudson is a good name, a strong name, even— but it’s a little known rule (outside of the Kate Hudson circle, that is) that Kate Hudsons are like Highlanders and there can only be one. This means if you name your child Kate Hudson, you are dooming them to fight other Kate Hudsons if they ever cross paths, or if it’s a random Tuesday and they’re bored and looking for something to do. This is to say that it’s bananas to name your child Kate Hudson unless you actively want them to fight others, Goldie Hawn and Bill Hudson. Get it together!
I don’t even need to get into the name “Chris” here and how it sounds weird, like all words if you say it out loud for two hours non-stop but all I can say is that his actor parents did him a grave disservice by not naming him Al, and we’ll just leave it at that.
Jon Hamm’s Hypothetical Unborn Child
I know Jon Hamm does not have children (that we know of) but I need to state for the record first and foremost that if he ever does have a child and they will have his last name, it will be utterly bizarre to me if they are named anything other than Hamish. Hamish Hamm is someone you can trust and who probably always has beef jerky on their person. Now, I’m not telling you Hamish will share said beef jerky with you, but consistency is good in all things, right? Right.
Putting you on notice: Hamish Hamm or nothing.
Anyway, as I’ve clearly demonstrated today, celebrities name their kids the weirdest names, and you can do with that knowledge what you will.
Header Image Source: Getty