It’s because Garfield is taken, I know it.
According to E! Online, Jennifer Lawrence is dating Chris Martin, he of Coldplay and Cold-vajay (that’s what Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina’s band is called, it’s true, look it up.)
Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are seeing each other, multiple sources confirm to E! News. We’re told that the pair has been spending quality together since late June after the Oscar winner split with her X-Men costar Nicholas Hoult.
“Spending time together” is something news sources when they’re trying to be boring and salacious at the same time, which is fascinating to me. Because, like, me and my co-workers “spend time together” but E! is trying to tell us that these people are doing the fuck dance. This is how Chris Martin does the fuck dance, by the by:
Well this makes no sense, but if they are dating, hopefully she’s muse-y enough to produce something better than his last two albums. Because Jesus Christ. Alexa Chung must be ashamed to inspire something as stock-musicesque as “Sky Full of Stars.”
In a related story, Gwyneth Paltrow has consciously coupled herself to some Ben & Jerry’s. JK GUYS, it’s raw organic iced carob sprinkled with baby tears. It’s her comfort food.