Dear Nanny McBatfleck,
I want to thank you. I mean, look, cheating is bad and dude was married with children that you were entrusted to care for and blah blah blah you know the drill, ultimately he is the one who ruined his marriage, BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT THAT. This is about the pure unadulterated gossip joy you’ve brought to my summer.
Because, sisterfriend, you’re good. And Ben Affleck is so, so bad. At all of this and life, essentially.
You thought he loved you. When you learned that he does not, you reacted exactly as he should have expected. Why should he have expected this? Because he was the star of a goddamn movie wherein his character has an affair with a younger woman who falls in love with him and when she is scorned, she goes to the press. And, sweet Christicles, you came to play.
First, there were the be-bikinied paparazzi photos. Classic. Then, the friends telling the tabloids that you were in love, that you believed he would leave her for you. Standard. But this stuff with Tom Brady? With a photo of you wearing his Super Bowl rings that literally *had* to come from your phone? Your private Instagram being leaked to Entertainment Tonight, replete with images of your new “Lexi” which could only lead us to believe Benny-boo bought it for you as a hush-ride while you refuse to hush?
I could hug you. I could just hug you.
And, honestly, I bet Jennifer Garner could, too. I mean, yes, she is likely hurt and upset. As she should be. But in terms of absolutely punishing her husband for his misdeeds, you are basically her savior. To the point where I kind of wonder if she hired you as boner-bait for this very outcome, BUT REGARDLESS. She is the saintly mother. You are the hot nanny who clearly wants fame and have gotten it. And him? Idiot. Giant idiot stupid moron. When they make the Nancy Meyers rom-com of this story, you and the Jennifer Garner character will surreptitiously high five over pinot gris while “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves” plays and you’ll meet a nice, non-famous handyman who sweeps you off your feet and Jennifer Garner will get back with Scott Foley while Ben drives into manure or something (you’re welcome, Nancy; I take cash, check or PayPal and I want an executive producer credit).
Because why is this story so enticing? Why was it so enjoyable when Ashley Madison got hacked, even though it’s a major privacy invasion we should have been justifiably outraged by? Because we have an intrinsic desire to see people get retribution for universal sins. We’re not famous. We might never crash our Porsche into a Beverly Hills mailbox or get caught up in a high-speed chase on the PCH. But cheating? That happens to a lot of marriages and we all live in fear of it—either getting cheated on or getting caught having cheated. We might be otherwise wonderful human beings, but when the bad man betrays the nice lady, we. get. pissed. But a weird kind of pissed—an excited kind of pissed. With popcorn gifs.
So thank you, Christine Ouzounian. You’ve made this interesting. Keep it up. Politely cropped “intimate photos” would not be something we oppose.