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Hackers: The Hollywood Boogeyman

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | September 15, 2011 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | September 15, 2011 |

Yesterday, Hackergate continued its reign of terror over Hollywood, as photos of Scarlett Johansson in various shades of top- and bottom-less were leaked all over the internet like a $525 a month apartment faucet. Photos from the phone of Mila Kunis are apparently on deck, to be released any day now, replete with potentially post-coital images of Justin Timberlake and a junk shot of some guy.

Scarje and Mila are of course only the latest in this rash of leaked photos, following in the nudely photographed footsteps of Blake Lively, Vanessa Hudgens and Christina Aguilera. The FBI is now involved.

Except, here’s the thing: much like ROUS’s, I’m not sure these phone hackers exist.

Think about it. There is a secret ring of hackers who have been able to hack into the cellphones of the entire Golden Globes guest list. The photos are all terribly attractive. Not a single ugly or unflattering shot to be revealed. And, in the case of most of these victims, the leak coincides with the release of a movie, or new relationship, or desire to be taken more seriously and adult as an actress. Also, the photos are never illicit, just titillating. Never do we see shots of Miley Cyrus doing lines off Zac Efron’s bangs. And you know that picture exists.

I’m just saying.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think all these actresses are lying liar faces. Some of them I really believed were hacked, or, if not hacked, then at least had a bitter ex at the wheel (see: Rihanna’s leaked nude photos from shortly after the Chris Brown attack, which were OBVIOUSLY released by Brown himself, that twatrag). But, now, every girl who wants a quick fame bump can join right along in with “yeah! I was hacked!…Bad… bad hackers! *shakes fist, reapplies lip gloss*” And I don’t think Mila Kunis is lame enough to release naked pics of herself (but, as these are mostly of Justin Timberlake, wouldn’t it be kind of high school-ily enjoyable if she did it just to fuck with Jessica Biel? Or am I alone in my evil?) so I don’t necessarily think everyone involved is doing this themselves to get attention. But I am saying some of them are. Some of them totally are, and you’ll never convince me otherwise, Blake Lively and Vanessa Hudgens.

So, for those of you non-famewhores who fear hackery, here are some helpful hints.

1. Delete the fucking pictures.
If they’re not on your phone, they can’t be hacked from your phone. Be smart with your naked pictures. My phone is entirely filled with pictures of muffins and my dog. And not the interesting kind of muffin. No one wants to hack that. And some of the hacked have little kids. You know what little kids like doing? Playing with your phone. No good. Best to dispose of the evidence.

2. There are no other helpful hints. Except if you’re doing this on purpose and were, in fact, not hacked, then don’t do that. Or keep doing that. I am of the understanding that people enjoy titties. On about your day.

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