Attention, Everyone, Gwyneth Paltrow Was Only 'Pretending' to Be an Actress

By Mike Redmond | Celebrity | March 7, 2019 |

By Mike Redmond | Celebrity | March 7, 2019 |

If you’re like me, you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if Gwyneth Paltrow is really an actress, or was the whole thing just a long con to sell bullsh*t wellness products to morons who get their health advice from Facebook? Was endearing herself to family friend Stephen Spielberg mere happenstance or an elaborate, decades-long plot to make women drop $135 to pour coffee into their butts? Turns out it was the latter.

In an interview with the New York Times that will absolutely make your head explode, as every word that comes out of Gwyneth’s mouth is wont to do, she lifts the veil on her true persona and presents the shimmering, gluten-free butterfly of an entrepreneur she was born to be.

Do you see yourself as an actor who developed a career as a lifestyle entrepreneur, or a lifestyle entrepreneur who happened to have a career as an actor?

I was masquerading as an actor.

You see, Gwyneth was always so smart that her mother warned her about wasting her intellect on acting. But it’s on set where Gwyneth secretly learned the management skills that would allow her to tell idiots to sting themselves in the face with goddamn bees.

So what was it like trying to get started as an actor?

My first purview of management was on set, because — and I think other female actors would agree with me — part of your role is just to sort of maintain culture.

What do you mean?

We’re female. So we are kind of channeling the energy for the set and correcting imbalances. If there was ever any discord, especially between men, I felt it was my job to sort of balance the energy a little bit. Also, as in most industries, it’s predominantly male. Sometimes you would be the girl in a male cast, and could bring femininity and temper some of the male stuff.

Okay. Supposing any of that is true — and I’m hesitant to take the word of a woman who endorses bringing actual snakes into the bedroom and letting them crawl over you to enhance your boning — if Gwyneth Paltrow now has a preternatural sense of truly feminine leadership, what in the actual f*ck is this shit?

What have you had to unlearn?

When a start-up starts, it’s full of feminine energy, even if it’s an all male start-up. Right? Because it’s collaborative, it’s emotional, it’s passionate, it’s instinctual. Those are all feminine qualities. And then as it scales, you have to put some rules in place. And so that’s where the masculine comes in. And you have compliance and H.R. and all these things that are putting structure to the business, which is super important. So unlearning some of the old kind of feminine ways, trying to apply the right kind of masculinity, and seeing if it’s possible to really still lead from that feminine place, is what I think about.

Just so I’m clear on what Gwyneth Paltrow is saying: Start-ups are an emotional woman who needs a strong man to come in and set rules? Holy Jesus shit. I’ll let you folks go to town on that one, but I will say that this train of thought really shouldn’t be a surprise considering a bulk of Goop products and advice are centered on how to keep dudes happy by turning your vagina into a holistic amusement park and reptile show. For example, cramming a jade rock up your ham canal so it’ll stay awesome for your man’s penis and he won’t label you a “brittle” shrew. Turns out a person who thinks like that isn’t the best source of feminist thought. I’m as shocked as you are even though I’m not the one being told to shove rocks up my holes. Or is that a thing?

You know what? Don’t tell me.