Gwyneth Paltrow Is Being Sued for a Ski-And-Run? What the What?

If someone told me that Gwyneth Paltrow crashed into them while skiing, I’d just assume she died on that mountain leaving nothing but macrobiotic bone dust and a freshly steamed jade egg behind. Instead, a lawsuit would have me believe that Goop not only survived such an encounter in 2016, but severely injured a man in the process, which is impossible because Mr. Glass is a fictional movie character. I Googled it.

PEOPLE reports:

Sanderson described the incident as “a hit-and-run ski crash at Deer Valley, Utah” where Paltrow allegedly “skied out of control and hit” him in the back, adding she “got up, turned and skied away, leaving Sanderson stunned, lying in the snow, seriously injured,” according to his lawsuit.

“Gwyneth Paltrow knew it was wrong to slam into Dr. Sanderson’s back, knocking him down, landing on top of him, knocking him out and then leave the scene of the ski crash she caused, but she did it anyway,” Sanderson alleged in the lawsuit.

According to TMZ, Sanderson wants $3.1 million from Paltrow, the resort, and her ski instructor who allegedly was a dick and a half after the crash.

He goes on to claim that a ski instructor who was tailing Paltrow stopped off and accused Sanderson of causing the collision, allegedly asking, “What did you do?” … and skiing away without getting help for the guy. Sanderson alleges the instructor also filed a false report casting blame on him in an attempt to protect Paltrow.

He says he suffered a concussion, a brain injury and four broken ribs — going on to claim he’s suffered physical and mental injuries, loss of enjoyment of life, emotional distress, disfigurement and medical expenses.

In the instructor’s defense, does anyone remember the 2016 Goop Holiday Gift Guide? It had a $8,300 portable yurt in it. A PORTABLE YURT. Who among us wouldn’t choke a puppy to get their hands on one of those, amirite?

Anyway, now’s the part where someone in the comments lectures me on the dangerous physics of a grown-ass woman — even one who may or may not be 85 percent essential oils — barreling into a man at whatever speed skis operate at. (The outdoors frighten and confuse me.) To which I say, where’s the joke about a steamed vagina in that? It’s why we’re all here. We’re sick people.