Ah, yes. This is the Goop I know and adore. Basking in the glow of her own organic flaxen glowiness, like a haloed beacon of wonder and the tears of the poor. She is Gwyneth. She is supreme. And she would like to invite you over for stone-roasted chickpeas seasoned in Parisian organic thyme and the sweat essence of her yogi, Zhuniper.
I mean, not you. You are nothing, a blemish upon her very sight, having recently eaten gluten or clad in *gag* clothing bought in a mall (I mean did you know they just let ANYONE go into those?!). But if you were worthy, then, yes, you. But, again, not you. You’re disgusting.
Anyway, those lucky enough to be named friends of Goopsicle are also lucky enough to watch Shakespeare in Love in her very presence. While she watches. And waits for your reaction. Crying. Are you crying? You better be crying. NOW QUICK CATCH YOUR TEARS WITH THIS MASON JAR MADE WITH LOCALLY BLOWN GLASS SO I CAN USE THEM AS NIGHT CREAM, she says, while sipping on tea leaves brewed in mineral water culled from mountain streams by her personal Sherpa, Zamphrain.
Paltrow “totally embarrassed herself” last summer by holding a private “Goop Film Festival” event at her ultra-lush Hamptons estate, an insider tells Radar exclusively.
“After the massive success of Iron Man 3, Gwyneth started hosting regular screenings of some of her old 90′s hits,” the source explains, “including Seven, Sliding Doors and Shakespeare in Love.”
But it wasn’t just a night of entertainment for her invited guests. The weary pal recalls, Paltrow asked her captive audience “what works about the movies.”
Should you find yourself invited to one of these screenings, and again you won’t because you probably shower using water that comes from the ground you disgusting pigs (Gwyneth has a cloud system that creates rainwater just for her bathings), feel free to be honest with her about what works and what doesn’t. The Stella McCartney leather belt made from your arm skin after Gwyneth dispatches you will be so on-trend.