You know that thing where you’re at da club and someone comes up to you and you accidentally stab them but you TOTES FER REAL didn’t mean to do it, it just happened, oops my bad, oh my god, just let it GO ALREADY, it was an accident, GAWD? We’ve all been there. That’s what happened to Dustin “Screech” Diamond on Christmas in Wisconsin. It obviously happens to most of us on the weekly, amirite? IF I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME.
Oh, also sometimes you get pens and knives confused. Been there. One time I was doing a crossword with a knife and I was all, “What am I even doing?! I need a pencil! A knife is way too permanent for the Sunday puzzle!” Fer fun.
[Ozaukee County District Attorney Adam Gerol] pointed to changes in Diamond’s and [his fiancée, Amanda] Schutz’s stories over the course of several interviews with police. While they both initially maintained that Diamond had not had a knife — Diamond said he’d been holding a pen — they eventually admitted the presence of a weapon.
“The story substantially changes once they are confronted with the fact that there’s a video” as well as injuries and witnesses, Gerol said.
Thomas Alberti, Diamond’s attorney, asked jurors to hear witnesses’ testimony with skepticism.
He drew attention to Diamond’s fame, alleging that the friends had tried to take photos of Diamond and encroached upon his space. He did not dispute that a stabbing had occurred but maintained that Diamond had meant no harm.
NO HARM MEANT, STABBING VICTIM. It wasn’t even a big deal. “We’re here over a nick in a drunk guy’s shoulder,” Diamond’s attorney told the jury. God, people who get stabbed are such wimps.