Are you feeling down right now? Do you feel helpless and adrift at this moment in time where change is happening daily? Well, our old snake-oil salesman Gwyneth Paltrow thinks she has a solution for that. Did you sadly miss out on her best-selling vagina-scented candle? Never fear, because now she has an orgasm-scented one. Yes. This is the world we live in. You thought things couldn’t get any more surreal? Well, you’ve got another thing coming.
Paltrow broke the news on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon (make all the ‘Fallon is a f*nny’ jokes you want here). The candle is available now for pre-order, and the description promises a smell of ‘tart grapefruit, neroli, and ripe cassis berries blended with gunpowder tea and Turkish rose absolutes for a scent that’s sexy, surprising, and wildly addictive.’ There are fireworks on the packaging, just to drive the message home. Bang in your box, so to speak.
All this for $75! Funnily enough, you can also buy a ‘tennis coach vibrator’ from Goop for about half the price. Seems like a better route to achieving that orgasmic aroma but hey, what would I know? Surely the full-time detoxer of her West Virginia territory would be the expert on such matters. Given how often Goop preaches the repeatedly-refuted powers of vag-steaming, jade eggs, and coffee enemas, I can only assume that her orgasm smells like a particularly pungent yeast infection.
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