Friends, as I’ve covered here before, online dating is a special slice of hell for those of us who haven’t yet come to terms with dying alone with our cats. I’m not sure if the news of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie being single again will help or hurt this notion.
A judge has decreed that even though they are not divorced, they are allowed to be legally single, via bifurcation, per People.com.
Well, if you think those two are going to get on Tinder, I mean, maybe you’re right? As someone who has done online dating in LA in the past, I’ve encountered (and matched) with a Big Bad from Buffy, seen someone with a story arc on Veronica Mars, and even encountered Tom of Myspace fame (we did not match. That’s on him. I thought we were friends?!?!) So, is it really out of the question that one night, after you drank too much wine while watching Law & Order SVU that you encounter Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie on Tinder?
I mean stranger things have happened, and like I said, there’s already a precedent for celebrities (and I am obviously using that in the loosest sense of the word) being on the dating apps. So why can’t you be rejected by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, too?!
Yup, I went there, because as anyone who’s done it knows, online dating is basically all about a constant stream of rejection. If you’re lucky, you’re the one rejecting, but for most of us schmucks, it’s us getting rejected.
So, let’s play through this thought exercise, shall we? Let’s imagine what Brad and Angelina will be like on Tinder.
Brad seems like the type of dude who will swipe right on every single woman on the platform, and then unmatch immediately if you match, just because he wants the ego boost of seeing who still wants him. He will ultimately only end up sending “hey” messages to women 28 and younger, and only after they message him first about how much they love him in Meet Joe Black.
Angelina, on the other hand, seems like she would be the type to swipe left on everyone, just to “see what’s out there” but all the while reaffirm her life decision that being single (and remaining so, for a long time) is the way to go. No one will ever match with Angelina, and her account will be written off as a goof account, because yes, weirdos like to impersonate celebrities on dating accounts. Don’t ask me why.
So where does this leave us, Brad and Angelina?
I mean, the answer is obvious to me: Hulu has every single episode of Law & Order SVU on its platform, including the greatest episode of all time about importing exotic animals, where Benson pretends to be Stabler’s lady of the night, the hyenas kill the famous rapper, and Lieutenant Cragen rescues a monkey out of a basketball. Come, join my example by spending the rest of your free time this weekend on your couch, with your cats (shout out to Buster and Mitzi! Couldn’t do it without you two a*sholes, but I love you, and stop tracking your litter everywhere, please and thank you) and watching SVU. It definitely beats the emotional rollercoaster of using a dating app. Brad, Angelina—I look forward to your thoughts on this episode. Also, congratulations on your singledom, and…
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