Justin, Justin, Justin. It wasn’t enough for you to bring Sexy Back all those years ago, you had to go and ruin it by not understanding that you should have taken your money and not made that weird movie about time where Olivia Wilde was your mom or girlfriend, or something and just … gone away. You could be living the high life right now instead of dealing with being caught holding hands with your co-worker on-location while your wife was nowhere to be found.
Anyway, because you didn’t do nothing and instead opted to do something in the public eye (and believe me, I will never forgive you for that Trolls song abomination. There is only one good song sung about trolls, and it was sung by Frank Reynolds, sir…)
Anyway, due to everything I just nattered on above, it’s come to this:
hmmm justin timberlake….let me go listen to what goes around real quick pic.twitter.com/jjfDxXRnmL— ｡･ﾟﾟ･ We deserve a soft epilogue, my love ･ﾟﾟ･｡ (@dracoslmalfoy) November 23, 2019
Doesn’t look great, does it? Pretty sure your wife, Jessica Biel isn’t going to be too jazzed with you today.
Now, NSYNC was never my favorite, I’m a true blue NKOTB gal myself, and if I had to pick a side in the boyband wars of ‘99, it’d be with BSB, but look pal— I’m the only friend you got right now. Sure, you have an unnamed source doing damage control on People.com, already, but do they have an incomplete set of The Baby-Sitters Club Mystery series? No? I didn’t think so, so sit down and listen up. I’m going to outline some ways for you to get out of this, unscathed. It’s the only chance you got, friend-o.
Long-Lost Identical Twin
Hopefully, you’ve taken a page from my book and have been laying the foundation for a long-lost identical twin to pop up, just when you need him most, for decades. There’s really no excuse if you haven’t, but you may be able to pull this off. You just can’t have any hesitation when you look at your wife straight in the eye and say: “Baby, the man in that picture isn’t me. He’s my long-lost twin … Bustin, yeah that’s his name, Bustin. Anyway, I found him on-set as a best boy [note: no one know who or what a best boy is, so go with that] and it’s pretty neat, right? That’s who was on the balcony holding hands with my co-star, OK? Anyway, what Hamburger Helper are we having for dinner? I’m starved!”
If you’re lucky, she’ll buy that, but now you’re on the hook for “Bustin” sending Christmas and birthday cards for the rest of his life until he goes off into the jungle to “find himself” in 5 years time and mysteriously disappears, which is what all long-lost identical twins do.
If that doesn’t work, there’s always…
A Malevolent Fae Made You Do it
It’s common knowledge that the Unseelie court of the fae are always messing with us humans. Make that work to your advantage. Tell your wife that Snarflox, the bogel, threatened that he would switch out all the DVDs from their cases and put them in a non-corresponding case, cursing you to always watch Sweet Home Alabama when you really wanted to watch Water for Elephants, for all of eternity, since we all know once your DVD collection gets that disorganized, there’s no going back. So, being a massive Reese Witherspoon fan, you did what Snarflox demanded and held hands with your co-worker. I mean. It might work?
“I Thought You Knew What This Was About”
Look, without fail, every time a dude has been called out doing something s*itty in our relationship, they have invariably used the line “I thought you knew what this was about” as a way to mitigate their own role in the f*ckery. Now, granted, it’s never worked on me before, and it’s always made it a lot easier to write them off after they said it, but Justin. I told you. I’m a BSB/NKOTB/NKOTBSB fan. You knew that going in and yet? You still listened to me.
Now you’re really in a pickle aren’t you? Guess what? I can’t hear your requests for help, pal, because I’m took busying rocking out to this:
You’re on your own, guy. Cute move trying to use People.com to try to get in front of the whole thing. Don’t think it will work. You made your bed now lie it in.
Header Image Source: Getty