Doug Stanhope & Johnny Depp Are the Masturbatory Tail-Eating Snake of Celebrity Famewhoring

By Vivian Kane | Celebrity | June 21, 2016 |

By Vivian Kane | Celebrity | June 21, 2016 |

Earlier this month, comedian Doug Stanhope wrote a lengthy piece for The Wrap, detailing how his best dudebro Johnny Depp was being horribly maligned by that calculating villain Amber Heard. She was lying! He has proof! What proof? Well, he says it. Isn’t that proof? According to him, the words coming out of his face hole are better “proof” than the actual pictures Amber has.

And after that article, a bunch of his and Johnny’s friends came to his defense, congratulating him for speaking the truth, even though he super duper has nothing at all to gain. How do we know he has nothing to gain? Because he said so. I mean, he had a book coming out this month and now every asshole misogynist in the country thinks he’s a hero, and even those of us who despise him know his name, but HE HAD NOTHING TO GAIN, REMEMBER? Cause he said so. And Depp’s other friends, who ALSO have nothing to gain except their various projects and just general A-list entourage status or desires— all these men with nothing to gain, they all supported Stanhope. None of them GOT anything from supporting Stahope supporting Depp (except for all those things I just mentioned), and how do we know they had nothing to gain? Because they told us they didn’t.

Are you starting to see a pattern here?

Well the “I’m a good guy, how do you know? because I said so” circle jerk took a big ass step into its own dug grave this week when Stanhope appeared on The Howard Stern Show, and he described the process of how his words got from his brainmush to your screen (Via People). Strap in for some bullshit sentiments and circuitous logic!

“I put it on my website, the title was: ‘At A Loss For Words…” whatever it was,” Stanhope explained. “The Wrap got it as an exclusive or however that worked and said ‘Amber Heard is Blackmailing Johnny Depp This is How I Know.’ I didn’t write that f——— title.” (Reps for The Wrap did not respond to requests for comment.)

Okay, first of all, bullfuckingshit. Don’t you “however that worked” us. Let’s say, for the sake of argument (*eye roll*), that this giant platform wasn’t the initial goal, and that Stanhope did just want to share his opinion about his mega-famous friend on his own personal website, and that The Wrap found it and just HAD to have it. (*MEGA EYE ROLL*) If that’s the case, Stanhope fucking knew what he was doing, he knew how much money he was getting for it, and he sure as hell ran that pitch by Johnny Depp. Because, you know, since they’re so tight, Doug would want to make sure his bestie didn’t want less attention brought to this situation.

And as for headlines, no of course he didn’t write that headline. That’s how these sites and newspapers and BASICALLY EVERY FORM OF MEDIA WORKS. And it’s true, in his initial article, he never says the word “proof.” But he does repeatedly use the word “truth.” He tells the truth. It’s the truth because he says it’s the truth.

And that’s what we’ve come to now: Stanhope was telling the truth in that takedown of Heard, and he can prove it because Johnny Depp thanked him for being honest.

“I had no contact with him until he texted me after that went out,” said Stanhope. “He said ‘Hey, thanks for being honest.’ He didn’t know that was going out.”

So how do we know Depp said Stanhope was honest? Because Stanhope said he did. Just ask Johnny Depp. Or rather, ask Doug Stanhope what Johnny Depp said about Doug Stanhope. He’s totally honest. He only says honest things. Like this totally honest crap:

Anything I say they can twist my words. It’s such a b———- suit,” he said. “I wish I had my lawyer here. I should probably not talk about it.”

When asked if he has anything of value for which to sue, Stanhope joked about his lack of valuable possessions.

“That’s the funniest idea,” he said. “The idea of some Hollywood supermodel lady winning all of my s—-, she would be locking the doors driving down my street.

“I think she’s trying to make me shut the f—- up,” Stanhope added. “Now I’m talking [too much].

See, everybody? Stanhope is such an honest guy, he just tells it like he is, cause he cares about friendship and the truth. He cares about the truth so much, he doesn’t know what “defamation” or “bullshit” or “total famewhoring” even MEAN. Leave those things to the lawyers! He’s just a dude, wanting to protect another dude, taking a stand against anything that might hurt his book sales friend.