OK, friends, today was supposed to be a simple day. One where I wrote my Facts of Life in space fanfiction in peace, but no, that’s not to pass because I’ve been called into an emergency investigation of Paul Rudd, based on what went down this weekend.
Anyway, during a reunion panel over the weekend at Chicago’s C2E2 expo with his Clueless co-stars Alicia Silverstone, Breckin Meyer, and Donald Faison, Rudd was asked about his lack of aging. “I’m 80 years old on the inside,” the Avengers: Endgame star said before pointing to his chest. “In here, pure darkness — and a little moisturizer.” Meyer gave another possible explanation:
“On the set of Clueless they would come and they would get us like 20 minutes before set… On Paul’s trailer, they would knock like an hour beforehand because he had to finish sucking the lifeblood out of the babies he takes in order to maintain [his youth], and then he was camera-ready.”
Rudd’s response: “Hey, it’s a tough business.”
OK, so first off, I know you’re all smart and I don’t want to insult your intelligence by pointing out the obvious but please bear with me, Paul Rudd is not a vampire. Yes, yes, yes, I know—it’s obvious to even the most casual observer, but sometimes these things go without saying. (Rachel Weisz, on the other hand…)
Anyway, I had a sneaking suspicion as to what’s going on with Paul Rudd, but before I went down that path, clearly I needed to consult with my friend and subject matter expert on robot uprisings, birthday meanings, and cryptids, Jason.
Jason, ever helpful, was a bit confused by this conundrum: usually baby-eating beasts are female, like the Lamia. Could Paul Rudd be a shapeshifter? We played with this possibility and then turned out attention to the fact that maybe Rudd is a bubák, commonly known as the Sack Man. As Jason put it to me: “Everywhere in the world, there is a belief in a man who stuffs children in a sack and eats them.” Could Paul Rudd be such a man, as Breckin Meyer intimated?!
It’s a possibility.
Although I personally believe in something less supernatural but possibly as sinister.
It’s all there in the quote, friends. Paul Rudd, the real Paul Rudd, is really 80 years old as he said.
Now I’m going to paint you a picture with words and tell me if you think it makes sense. The year is 1996, fresh off the success of Clueless, Paul Rudd has the scary realization that he has made it in Hollywood. It feels good, and he wants to stay on top of the Hollywood game for as long as possible. So, realizing that he’s fallible and that as you age the opportunity for success gets slimmer and slimmer, Rudd develops a plan. He looks towards his neighbors to the north (Rudd is an English surname after all) and in particular, a common sheep. Perhaps you’ve heard of her? Her name is Dolly.
Yes friends, I believe there is a good possibility that perhaps Paul Rudd, the one we see in public, is a clone. Every few years, when the clone starts to age, the original Paul Rudd has him disposed of, and a new one is commissioned. That’s why he never ages, friends.
I mean, what’s more plausible here? He’s the Sack Man, a clone, or that he has good genes and takes care of himself?
I rest my case.
Header Image Source: Getty