Dane Cook Is Engaged

Remember Dane Cook? The once massively successfully stand-up comedian who made a career out of mispronouncing the word “sandwich,” which he endeavored to parlay into a feature film career which quickly flamed out in a series of terrible misogynistic movies that would rightfully be torched today? And then Cook faded for several years under a cloud of controversy, accused of stealing jokes about itchy buttholes from Louis C.K., only to appear on Louie and briefly be considered a sympathetic figure, especially relative to all of Louis C.K.’s sexual misconduct?

Remember when Dane Cook and Tucker Max were a thing?

Anyway! Dane Cook, 50, is engaged now to fitness instructor Kelsi Taylor, 23. They got engaged two weeks ago in Maine! In fact, they were engaged in the same place they took their first trip together as a couple. “When we started dating, we went there on our first trip together so to return five years later was meaningful to us,” Cook told People.

Now, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking — that five years ago, Cook was 45 and Taylor was … (does subtraction with my fingers) … 18, well, it’s not what you think! “We were friends for a while & soon after fell in like with each and then upgraded to love,” Cook explained on Instagram last year.

(*Does some more mental calculations*)

Oh.

Huh.

“I love her,” Cook told Kimmel back in 2019. “She’s the kindest, sweetest, just my favorite, my best friend. And sometimes I actually find myself saying like, ‘Where has she been all my life?’ And then I realize she wasn’t alive for the first 26 years of it.”

It’s actually 27 years plus that time you were “just friends,” Dane, but who is counting?