Hello friends, and welcome to 2019. The turn of the new year is an important time for me and my shaman friends. We commune, drink boxed wine, argue about celebrities to the point where only wrestling to exhaustion in my living room will resolve such matters— whoever wins, is the correct predictor. By the end of the first week of the new year, we have our revered list, which I will share with you now: Celebrity Predictions for 2019.
Here’s what you need to know: we have never been wrong. Of course, since I’ve only been writing for Pajiba since August (I know, I know, seems like a lot longer, doesn’t it?) I’m under no obligation to share our past lists with you for you to verify it yourselves, but you can take me at face value. My group of shaman friends includes people who call themselves shamans, and people who needed somewhere to be on New Year’s Eve and my place was the best option they could come up with.
Now, a word of warning; these predictions may shake you to your very core, and you may rage against them, but understand this: getting tanked on multiple Bota Boxes of Pinot Noir and then wrasslin’ is a tradition that dates back to olden times of 2014, and we must honor the ancient ways lest we lose sight of our past and repeat its mistakes.
Chris Pratt Becomes Best Chad
Chris Pratt, in a fit of anger and innovation legally changes his name to Chad Pratt in order to stop losing the war of “Best Chris” and instead stake his claim to “Best (and Only) Chad” in Hollywood. Chad Lowe silently plots his revenge.
Terrence Howard Finally Does It
Due to the deregulation of Math that President Trump (more on that in a moment) decrees, Terrence Howard is finally able to prove his long-held belief that 1x1=2. He will now turn his attention to solving more pressing matters: if you are immersed in water, are you wet? Or do you only become wet in the absence of immersion?
Heat- The Musical!
Dane Cook, sick of being seen as a bro-comedian, fast tracks a musical adaptation of Michael Mann’s Heat, with himself in Robert DeNiro’s role. In an inspired turn, he enlists DeNiro to write all of the lyrics to the new musical numbers, because DeNiro owed Cook a favor. Al Pacino reprises his role as LAPD Major Crimes Unit Lieutenant Vincent Hanna.
Jennifer Aniston Adopts Alien Baby
Jennifer Aniston, a keen amateur astronomer finally puts all tabloid rumors of her desperately wanting to become a mother to rest, when she reveals to the world that for the past 10 years, she has been keenly studying a slow-moving object in deep space. Able to make contact in 2011, she had been communicating with the object, a long-haul alien vessel, and was able to broker an exchange: she would reprise her role as Rachel Green in an close-circuit one-off special for the alien ship for them to see what her character is doing 15 years after the end of Friends, if they would send one of their own to earth to live with Aniston. She names her new alien charge “Jen Jr.”
Avengers End Game Tanks
Everyone is furious about the final Avengers movie when it turns out that the film is merely a one-shot scene of the core Avengers (Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, and that other guy) sitting around playing a real-time Monopoly game because they’ve run out of ideas on how to fix the world, and they’re very tired. Further outrage occurs when the last scene is Shuri showing up, doing a quick mathematical equation, and undoing all of Thanos’ handiwork. The outrage reaches a fever pitch when the movie ends, without credits, to Thor emulating Porky Pig in Looney Toons by breaking the 4th wall and stammering “That’s all folks!”
Amy Poehler Reveals Her True Nature
Amy Poehler, sick of Louis CK’s sh*t (and constant questions about her working relationship with him), finally reveals her true nature as a shape shifting carnivorous cryptoid when she invites CK over for dinner where he is the main course. Charges are never filed, because everyone agrees he had it comin’.
Tom Arnold Averts International Destruction
Unable to get his funding for the wall, President Trump becomes increasingly erratic, picking fights with North Korea, China, Syria, and any country that still reads his tweets. The situation becomes dire when he starts antagonizing the Mole People, the ambivalent (but deadly) subterranean species that lives beneath the earth’s crust. Tom Arnold, in a last-ditch effort to avert the Mole People’s ascension on our surface that would surely result in humanity’s destruction, calls up the head of NBC to pitch a one-off season of The Apprentice: Super Super Bigely All Stars. Trump, unable to fathom such a spectacular season of the show he initiated without him, steps down from the role of President to host the season. Disaster is averted. The Mole People are satiated…for now.
Meghan Markle Has the Royal Baby
In a twist surprise, Meghan eschews all royal protocol, and insists her baby only has one name: Denny. Unwilling to reveal the baby’s sex, she insists in dressing the child in a baby vampire costume, complete with cape, and takes Denny everywhere. Baby Denny is hailed as a fashion icon across the world.
Alexandra Ocasio Cortez Thrills
Sick of the government shutdown, AOC leads the Democrats in a show-stopping rendition of the Thriller dance, on the steps of the Capitol in an attempt to force the Republicans into an obscure but still standing rule: if challenged to a dance off, the winning team’s legislation must be approved in all Chambers of the Legislative body. Mitch McConnell, long past his dance-off days, is unable to caucus the Republicans into response, especially because for many of them, the deal with the devil they made is that they would lose all ability to dance in order to gain power. Trump is unable to deny the rules, try as he might, and the Shutdown is ended.
Game of Thrones Ends
In a shocking twist, almost the entirety of Game of Thrones is revealed to have been a coma dream of Bran’s after he was pushed out of the window by Jamie in the first season. This effectively allows the series to continue for 8 more seasons as to what really happens, but at this point, people are sick of the show. With none of the original cast on contract anymore, the show runners resort to puppets to continue telling the story. Many think pieces are written about the appropriateness of puppet nudity, but again, by this point, no one cares.
Well, as you can see, we have a LOT to look forward to in 2019, and a few things to dread. All I can tell you is, if you’re afraid of the Mole People, good. You should be. Fearing them is the first step to survival of their inevitable take over, but I’m getting ahead of myself. These were 2019 predictions. 2020 is a year away.
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