So, apparently, the jerk store called and they’re running out of famous people.
If you hadn’t heard, Jason Alexander and the shifty mink that lives on his head appeared on Craig Ferguson last week. During this appearance, Alexander referred to cricket as a gay sport. As hateful outbursts go, his was somewhat tame (especially when compared with former co-star Michael Richards’s, as his has been) but drew ire, outrage and discomfort. So, as famous people are wont to do when they’ve displeased the good people who allow them to be rich, he apologized. The difference between his apology and others similar is that his was actually good. Not merely a publicist-released sentence of faux contrition, Alexander tweeted (screw it, I’ll take a tweet over a ghost-written press statement any day) a lengthy letter of apology, seemingly genuine and well-written.
Others have not fared so well.
Well, let’s just get this fucknut out of the way early. Here’s the thing: I am of the belief that if it occurs to you to say this stuff, it’s clearly something that exists in your mind, rendering your “I’m totally not even a racist, you guys” argument completely voided.
See above. No one was talking about the Jews, Mel. That doesn’t just fall out of your mouth unless you’re some kind of anti-Semitic child of a Holocaust deni—oh, right. And, what exactly was a meeting with Jewish leaders going to do? Was he going to walk up to the good rabbis and say “hey, bros, can you help me not hate you? Also, I forgive you for Christ and all the wars. I really feel the healing beginning”? Because I don’t think that’s a step in the right direction.
As public apologies go, this is the gold standard as far as I’m concerned. It could only have been better if, you know, he hadn’t been fucking around on his wife, but, hey, none of my business.
Miley Cyrus has made a lot of questionable decisions in her life, and has also made the decision to make those decisions in front of questionable people who then sell photos and videos of said decisions to TMZ. So, that’s fun for her. And after the above photo was released, she released a heartfelt, contrite apology. Oh, wait, not that. The other thing. She said this: “I’ve also been told there are some people upset about some pictures taken of me with friends making goofy faces! Well, I’m sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context!” Shockingly, that wasn’t taken well. So she tried again. By then people pretty much lost interest so it stuck a bit better.
The “my wealthy famous life is just like rape” brigade
Sometimes celebrities say hateful things that offend whole ethnicities. And sometimes they say stupid things that prove that they’re moronic as shit. And, often, because they exist in a world of sunshine and kittens and cocaine, that comes out as them making an attempt to compare their lives to abhorrent acts forced upon innocent victims. You know. Fun stuff like that. Famous people are great like that (it’s one of the reasons they’re so much better than you). Anyway, usually after they do that, they’re pretty sorry, or at least they say they are so that people continue to buy tickets to their movies, attributing said statement to a “poor choice of words”. They always do.
Maybe they have simply become too commonplace, but there ain’t no sex scandal like a ’90s sex scandal. And, until Clinton took his love to town, Hugh Grant and Divine Brown was the blowjob heard ‘round the decade. When he appeared on Leno to voice his apology, the outraged and scandalized public (we’re so puritanical as soon as an actor with neat hair does something with his penis, aren’t we?) responded with an “aw, shucks, we can’t stay mad at you” and a head ruffle and everything was okay again.
He was super sorry. Devastated by his actions. See? Look how sorry he was. What a mensch.
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