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Celebrities You Should Pick a Fight With Before You Come for Cardi B

By Kate Hudson | Celebrity | January 20, 2019 |

By Kate Hudson | Celebrity | January 20, 2019 |


So, Tomato Lasagna, she of Fox News and freaking out about getting water on her because she’s seriously concerned she might melt fame, decided that she had nothing better to do on a Saturday (which is crazy, because there’s lots of things to stream right now) and opted to come for Cardi B on Twitter over Cardi’s recent comments over the government shutdown. That was really dumb, but we’ll get to that in a moment.

The important thing here is Cardi’s rebuttals:

Some racist piece of trash tried to jump into the fray too, but Cardi shut his ass down as well.

Look, we all knew Ms. Tommy Bahama was dumb as a box of rocks but to be honest, I didn’t know she was dumb enough to try to engage with in Twitter war with Cardi B (side note, if they ever decide to desecrate our childhoods by remaking The Princess Bride, I at least hope they update the “never gets into a land war in Asia” line to “never engaged in a Twitter war with Card B,” so that the kids understand.) There’s dumb, then there’s what’s-the-level-below-the-basement-of-stupid-people-headquarters dumb. Don’t come for Cardi B. She will eviscerate you, and then use your stringy, split end blonde extensions to clean the gristle of your mangled corpse from her teeth because that’s how little of what will be left of you.

No, friends, if you’re going to come for a celebrity on Twitter, you need to make safer choices, I’ve compiled a list for you here:

Dennis Miller
It will take him days to get back to you with a sick burn, and by then people won’t care anymore. (Although to be fair, people don’t care about him now, either.)

Tom Cruise
His account is incredibly bland and I’m fairly sure the mean things you want to share with him will never cross his path, which means you won’t have to endure a response that will be the written equivalent to laughing maniacally and staring at you dead-eyed.

Tom Hanks
He’s just too nice to read you to the filth that you are, and will let it go because he’s assuming you are having a bad day and everyone deserves a pass now and then.

Rob Schneider
Honestly everyone is always coming for him all of the time anyway, and I’m fairly sure he’d appreciate the attention you’re paying him.

Toenail Laryngitis
She is very dumb, and will not be able to come up with a sick burn—as an added bonus Cardi B may jump in because she just enjoys picking on Aryan Barbie from time to time now that she’s gotten a taste for it.

The point is, don’t come for Cardi B, because it’s very clear she is smart, quick on her toes, and better at it overall. Also, people like her more than you so if you do manage to get into it with her, literally the only people in your corner will be racists, idiots, and Nicki Minaj.

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Kate is a staff contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.

Header Image Source: Getty