Oh man, put on your tin foil hats because the Bradley Cooper publicity machine is in overdrive, and I’m kind of baffled but also intrigued.
What does that mean for people who are not named “Lady Gaga” “Irina Shayk” or “Bradley Cooper”? Well, it means we get a lot of dumb, seemingly inane posts via People.com of a lot of nothingburger (…on the surface but when have we ever lived on the surface, friends?! That’s not where the mole people are, who will eventually come topside and take over, so clearly it’s not where we should be, either.)
Here’s an excerpt:
Bradley Cooper bonded with his daughter over Father’s Day amid his split from Irina Shayk, mother to their 2-year-old child.
The Oscar nominee, 44, was seen boarding a private jet in Los Angeles on Sunday while carrying Lea De Seine in his arms. Shayk, 33, was busy in Florence, Italy over the weekend, stepping out at her first public outing since news of the breakup by walking in the CR Runway x LuisaViaRoma 90th Anniversary Show.
She was seen back in New York City on Monday.
The article then goes on to track Shayk’s previous movements leading up to her New York sighting today but since her name is not Carmen San Diego and a weird acapella group of dudes in brightly colored suits are not singing about her whereabouts, it’s of little interest to me.
So the obvious question is, like, why? Why is People writing about this non-news stuff unless it’s to paint Cooper as a good dad, to make us think that even though he may be starting a relationship with Lady Gaga (potentially) he’s still putting his daughter first in this break up.
I mean sure that is the obvious reason why this made the front page of People.com today but also there may be more here.
Let’s not forget that Justin Bieber used private jets to fly around the world with his pet monkey, undetected, until a little thing known as “you can’t fly your unregistered monkey into our country because we hate fun, and also, pop stars, like most people, shouldn’t have pet monkeys since they are almost guaranteed to not know how to properly care for them leading to a crappy life for the monkey you numbskull” popped up for him in Germany, and his monkey was confiscated and then ultimately sent to a zoo, most assuredly a better place for the poor monkey.
So maybe, just maybe, the point of this article is not to play into a boring PR strategy, but perhaps to slyly let the world know that B.Coop has a pet monkey he ferries around on a private jet with his daughter. Stranger things have happened, especially involving monkeys. Like the time that monkey was abandoned at an IKEA in Canada, because honestly, it seems like really irresponsible people have monkeys as pets. If this unlikely but not impossible scenario turns out to be true for Cooper, I hope he is better equipped to care for his hypothetical pet monkey.
A quick Google search for “Does Bradley Cooper Have a Pet Monkey?” turned out nothing that unequivocally said he doesn’t, it did, however, turn up this interesting article, from …dun, dun, dunnnnnnnn People.com.
Here’s the relevant quote, about Crystal, the capuchin monkey that Cooper worked with on Hangover 2:
“You know, Crystal has turned out to be just a miracle monkey,” Cooper said. “She’s incredible. She can do anything.”
Cooper toted Crystal around on his shoulder during many Hangover 2 scenes, which was fun for the actor, except for one part.
“The only downside to Crystal is that she has very long claws, and you don’t want to get Crystal around an elephant,” Cooper said. “There was one scene where we were walking down the street, and there was an elephant, and she sort of destroyed my shoulder.”
You know who else had a capuchin monkey? Justin Bieber. Is your tin foil hat buzzing yet, because mine is.
Look, I will show my bias here and admit that I would love to have a monkey as a friend and companion. In fact, it’s a lifelong dream of mine to hug one, but for who among us is that not true? So, I will readily admit I look for celebrity clandestine monkey pets on private jets ever since Justin Bieber showed the world that that is something celebrities do. So, I may be reading too much into this, and this boring article that kicked off all this wild (and let’s be honestly, probably at least mildly irresponsible) speculation is exactly what it appears on the surface.
…but what if it’s not?!
If that’s the case, now you know. I mean, it’s clear Cooper at least has respected one monkey before in the past so it’s possible there are more monkeys that he not only respects but wants to live with. I mean, George Clooney had a pet pig, is it too great of a leap to believe that Bradley Cooper has a pet monkey?!
Exactly. So say hi to Bradley Cooper’s still-unseen pet monkey if you run into them at the private jet airport, OK? I know at least a few of you out there are there a lot. Also, someone better ask Lady Gaga how she feels about poo flinging because I understand that is part and parcel with living with a monkey.
This has been your Bradley Cooper Father’s Day update with a side of wild speculation (and personal jealousy) over a potential pet monkey.
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