Friends, the mantle of Bradley Cooper Historian is not something I ever thought I’d don. The road here was rocky, full of mole people conspiracies, baffled questions to the effect of, “Why do you write about who he might be dating if you don’t care, Kate?!” and yes, of course, tears. (My own, yours, and naturally, “…for Fears,” which has served as the soundtrack to these articles.) Yet here we are—it is my solemn duty to share any B.Coop news with you, unless another of the Overlords finds something interesting about him and decides to write it up.
So today I’m here to share the very earth-shattering, groundbreaking news that Bradley Cooper was spotted at a flipping concert for none other than Beethoven! Even the New York Times got in on the action with the following headline: “Bradley Cooper and Lang Lang Bond Over Beethoven.”
Who is Lang Lang, you might ask? (Hopefully if you are asking this you are not, in fact, Lang Lang suffering an existential crisis, because there are 7.6 billion people in this world, and there are approximately 7.6 billion people in this world more qualified to handle that question for you, friend. In fact, the only people less qualified to give you an answer if this is the situation is Joe Francis, and Scott Caan, for obvious reasons.) Lang Lang is an accomplished concert pianist from China, like super super accomplished. He’s also about 2 and a half years older than me, so I’ve got two and a half years to catch up to his accomplishments because anyone who tells you not to judge your progress against others is someone I’ve clearly never met, or Scott Caan.
So there it is, Bradley Cooper bonded with Lang Lang, and in two and a half years, he’ll be bonding with me because I am nothing if not very competitive, and also, completely unaware of my numerous personal shortcomings. These allow me to think that I could ever catch up to a concert pianist, who has undoubtedly worked his entire life for his accomplishments, and I was hungover on my couch today and snoozed through Good Place re-runs. Got two and a half years though, so I feel good about this, friends.
This has been your Bradley Cooper slice of life update.