I don’t know why this upsets me, but it does, because what has happened to Ryan Reynolds is what happens to way too many good people — both men and women — in relationships with mismatched significant others. They allow their identities to become absorbed into the couple, and they cease to become individuals. They become disgusting units, and right now, the voice of that unit is being controlled by this woman.

Dude! What the hell happened? Look at yourself:

This is not who you are, man! You’re a blue-collar guy from Canada. Your mom worked retail. You have two brothers who are cops, one of whom is fucking Mountie! Remember what kind of dog you had back when you were a kid?

When you were older, you had this dog.

And now, this is your dog.

That dog is a metaphor for your life.

Here’s Reynolds with one of his brothers.

That brother probably took one look at Preserve, called his other brother, said, “Dude. I think we finally lost him. We had a little scare with Scarlett Johannson, but this is so far beyond even that, that I don’t even know what to say. We can’t let Dad see this! It’ll kill him!”

Think about it: He’s gone from minor sitcom star to droll B-movie star to failed action hero, and from dating a fellow Canadian child star (with whom he probably had lots in common) to marrying the star of fucking Gossip Girl and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

Remember when Reynolds told Betty White to “suck a hot cock”? That’s the Ryan Reynolds we love.

Remember his profanity-filled promo for The Change-Up, which was 17 times better than the movie itself (which I admit to enjoying in a guilty-pleasure kind of way). Hilarious:

And now he’s married to a woman who says things like this:

“Before experiencing the joy of 3am screams, seemingly impossible amounts of poop and having a favorite shirt covered in reflux, there are presents to open, onesies to dye, there is cake to serve, advice to be shared and all around celebration to be had.”

She’s trying to romanticize poop and acid reflux! I cannot wait for her to find out how unromantic it is.

Look: Reynolds has gone from the wise-ass stoner class clown to the guy who is dating the prom queen. He is Fun Bobby off the sauce. Ryan Reynolds has been edited for TV. He has gone from this:

To this:

It makes me sick.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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