Ben Schwartz is a F*cking Genius
It’s not often that I look for life hacks from celebrities because, in general, there’s not a lot of overlap between our lives. Like, I don’t need to know the best place to sit at Soho House, because I have a restraining order from there so they won’t even let me within 50 feet of the place, y’know?
So it’s rare that not only will I take advice from a celebrity, but I deem it genius as well.
Today friends, Ben Schwartz, he of Jean-Ralphio and that one sketch show I saw at UCB last year fame, isn’t just a genius, he’s a f*cking genius.
When you have had it with spell check turning your curse word into ducking. Behold my new contact that my phone now recognizes when I text. pic.twitter.com/bpZ3q3KZDh— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) January 23, 2019
This life hack shames literally any boneheaded thing Buzzfeed can come up with (related, please do nothing to extend the life of your mascara, you need to throw that out on the regular and yet every life hack article that site puts up has the obligatory “eye drops in mascara” tip. That’s a great way to infect your eye and then it doesn’t matter what autocorrect does because you won’t be able to see out of it.) Yes, I mean literally, because nothing shames something quicker than a well-timed “are you f*cking kidding me?” Friends, no longer will your texts to your boyfriends who blew you off to attend clown college be diluted with a misplaced “ducking.” No, now you can let your f*cks fly freely without fear of the dreaded autocorrect.
The possibilities are now endless—your boss asks you to come in to work on Saturday morning at 6 am? You can now accidentally text him “are you f*cking kidding me?” when you meant to text it in a group text of your equally put upon co-workers. Your mom texts you, drunkenly, that you are in actuality her favorite child? You can now screen shot her text and caption it “f*cking told you so!” to the rest of your siblings and make Thanksgiving this year really awkward. You get into a fender bender with Ben Schwartz and exchange phone numbers to keep it from the insurance company, and he texts the quote back for repairs and it’s $1200? Now you can reply with a simple “f*cking hell, I better bust out my metal detector and head to the beach!”
See what I mean, endless!
Too long has “ducking” plagued the texting of foul-mouthed hooligans like me. Now, thanks to Ben Schwartz, that ends today. So let your f*cks fly freely, unlike me, who has to keep this post relatively clean, because I’m dictating its entirety to my cousin’s 6-year old son, and having him type out “f*ck” would be a bridge too far for her, but it’s ok, I told her I’m giving him typing lessons.
Header Image Source: Getty
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