Friends, look, it’s a relatively slow news day, which means the front page of People.com is boring (look, I love trash TV, but I cannot muster any f*cks to give over The Bachelor) so I had to go consult other sources for news and whatnot to share with you today. Frankly, I’m happy I did, because I found some great “whatnot” (it’s definitely not “news” in the traditional, legitimate sense) but it’s such amazing fanfiction that hell, why not? Let’s write it up!
Yes—our sources over at News 18 are letting us know that Angelina Jolie and Keanu Reeves are dating.
I won’t even get into the chain of command of how News 18 came into this seemingly exclusive piece of gossip, because it’s convoluted to Da Vinci Code-levels. Basically, Angelina Jolie lives in the Los Feliz neighborhood of LA, as does Keanu’s mom (so sayeth News 18, but I go to a bar in Los Feliz on the regular and I’ve never seen any of those people out and about, so….) Yadda, yadda, yadda, the two have hit it off. He’s met her children, and now everyone’s excited and happy they’re together.
Let’s treat this as the bit of fan fiction it is, which means let’s will this into reality like what happened to 50 Shades of Grey, which you must never forget started out as Twilight fanfic.
Now, look, I am not one of those people who think you need to have a romantic partner in your life in order to be happy and fulfilled. (Related, I do think life is exponentially better with a dog or cat, though.) That said, Angelina has six kids all under the age of 18. I’m sure she longs for a little bit of grown-up conversation in her life. Conversely, while I do think you can have a very nice and pleasant life sans kids, they are kind of fun to be around, especially when they’re not your own so you can just hang out with them and not have to worry about being the parent, or disciplining them. So if this is true (and it’s almost assuredly not) I’m sure Keanu is getting some pleasure out of being surrounded by a big family, too.
This is what I do know. I never really got the Brad Pitt thing. I saw Fight Club, Interview with the Vampire, Seven, 12 Monkeys, and my response whenever people talk about how hot he is, is “….him?”
Now, what I do get, is the insatiable thirst for Keanu. I mean, duh. Just look at the man.
Speed is great. John Wick is great. Hell, even The Devil’s Advocate has merits (those merits being hot Keanu with short hair, which is how I prefer my Keanu.)
So, if on the very, very, very unlikely chance that this rumor is true, all I can say to Angelina at this point is: Get it, girl!
Header Image Source: Getty