Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt: Don’t Dream, It’s (Almost) Over

Friends, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are taking steps to end what we knew in our hearts was already over: their marriage, and all hopes of a sequel to Mr. & Mrs. Smith.

According to Elle, and other outlets, the two are in talks to formally become single, and be legally married to each other no more. According to the source:

Nearly three years after they first separated, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are negotiating a “bifurcated judgment” of their married status, per The Blast. This will allow them to continue to discuss the terms of their divorce while not dragging out their married status any longer.

You need a moment and a specially curated song for this occasion? Don’t worry, I’ve taken the necessary precautions. Here you go:

Feel better? No, me neither.

Look, sometimes (OK, a lot of times) your favorite celebrity couple just won’t make it. There’s nothing you could have done, you just hitched your wagon to the wrong star in the epic battle between Brangelina and this crazy thing we call love. It happens to the best of us, but I’m going to need you to pick yourself up and face the music because friend—I only know one Crowded House song, and I already spent it above. There’s no other Crowded House soundtrack I can provide to your heartache. I’m sorry.

Look, I know it’s been a rough time for people who get too emotionally invested in celebrity couples. We wanted Brangelina to pull through, especially because there are kids and a sequel to a semi-ok movie at stake. Alas, it was not to be. We have to accept that Angelina and Brad will go their separate ways indefinitely, and we in turn must silently retire our Brangelina merchandise we spent so many hours making in our kitchens, alone and resolute in our faith that their love would burn eternal.

I can only say that the header picture was taken last week, and at least Angelina and the kids she shares with Brad Pitt look pretty happy. That’s something to hold on to. (But not too tightly, because those are kids and it’s weird ok? Keep your fixation on the adults in this scenario.)

Look, we may be losing Brangelina, but we’re gaining endless hours of tabloid gossip about Brad and Jennifer Aniston getting back together, so at least there’s something to look forward to. If only there was a Crowded House song that matched this hopeful look towards the future. I guess we’ll just have to go with Talking Heads, instead. Same as it ever was, friends. Same as it ever was indeed.