Here’s the thing about Charlie Sheen: he’s Satan. Here’s the other thing about Charlie Sheen: he is immortal.
Despite the massive amounts of drugs racing through his system, despite treating his penis like the aggressive muddler in all manner of porn star vagina cocktail glasses, despite his ever-increasing appearance to a Steve Odekirk thumb puppet, Sheen has had the good fortune to not die naked in a hotel bed, smelling like aspirin and coated in layers of unidentifiable stickiness.
The first we heard of this past lost weekend was Sheen’s hospitalization. We learned he’d been admitted with stomach pains and that it was serious. Then news came about five porn stars, a Samsonite of blow and photographic evidence of hooker labia dangling over Sheen’s coffee table.
But good news! He’s in rehab! News came that he checked into a rehab facility…wait, never mind, that turned out to be untrue…because he’s rehabbing in his own house! Yes, yes, the house where he spent the weekend nose deep in both Colombia’s finest powder and LA’s finest hooker snatch.
Here’s the thing. Do you know who’s reporting the at-home rehab story? The source quoted by all other sources is TMZ. I don’t want to blow your mind and in any way imply TMZ isn’t the bastion of journalistic integrity you know it to be, but TMZ is owned by Time-Warner. In a great catch by The Superficial, know what else is owned by Time-Warner? Charlie Sheen’s career. Two and a Half Men is a Warner Bros. production and it’s a big one, meaning TMZ’s big bosses may have been none too pleased when their own asset broke news of the coke briefcase. Look, dumb people have to watch something, that show is a goddamn juggernaut, and what do you do when the public finally, finally begins to think your biggest star has a problem and maybe, just maybe, should be thrown off television?
Why, you start making shit up. I mean, really, who knows what he could be doing in there? He could be hosting his own rehab center. He could also be starting a fully self-sustaining pecan farm, running the NYSE big board or designing the new Vatican City to be located in Boise, we just can’t say.
What we can say is this: a text, allegedly from Sheen, hit Radar, equal to TMZ in desperation and general uckiness, but not run by those who have a lot to lose if Sheen loses public support. Let’s examine the little pearl of wellness:
People don’t seem to get it…. Guy can’t have a great time and do his job also?…Bunch of turds.
Honestly, apparently he can. Sheen’s a sick fuck, but it’s not like this is new. People just care now. When he and Denise Richards divorced, amid her accusations of hookers, porn addiction, which included the implication of child porn, and abuse, he continued working. Jesus, when the guy got arrested for holding a knife to his wife’s throat while high on crack on Christmas day in 2009, the show got high enough ratings to take it back to number one. He is unfuckingtouchable and now, just now, are the powers that be attempting to make him look like he needs and wants help? Why would he want help?
Lest we forget, his noble “people” who now want him to get help are the same people who, mere days ago, blamed this whole thing on a hernia caused by Sheen laughing too hard. I’m not kidding. It wasn’t until a potential financial loss appeared that they suddenly got on board with Bill W. to push Sheen into sobriety.
With that, Charlie Sheen is a mess and I don’t give a fuck what happens to him. He beats, threatens and shoots (!!!!!!!!!!! why does no one remember this but me?) women, he is the lowest common denominator of that which can be called “comedy” and he’s an asshole. But nothing will happen to him. Because sometimes people do bad stuff, don’t get better and nothing bad ever happens to them. And that’s the fun lesson of today.