Analyzing the General, All Pervasive Terror of J.K. Simmons

By Vivian Kane | Celebrity | January 9, 2015 |

By Vivian Kane | Celebrity | January 9, 2015 |

Good news, team! It’s J.K. Simmons’ birthday! This is a man who has blessed us with his incredible talent, a legacy of captivating performances, and one of the best haircuts in the business. But there’s one aspect to this actor that really stands out, even more than his choice in roles or even his magnetic smile: the utter, persistent terror he constantly projects.

It may be easy to think that the only reason you’re afraid of J.K. Simmons was because you met him through Oz (as was the case for many of us). And yes, that is a reason to be terrified.

But he’s not just scary as a rape-crazy Neo-Nazi. He’s equally intimidating as a newspaper man.

He’s even scary as a music teacher.

Sometimes it’s in his words.

But often it’s just his eyes.

Or his smile.

Or just the fact that no matter what, no matter what his face or words or body are doing, his subtext seems to be, “I could murder you right now.”

And you know it’s true.

The man is ALWAYS TERRIFYING.

Even when he tries to look sweet. With pink and flowers and shit.

Look at his horrible sexy face.

He’s even scary when dancing. HOW ARE YOU SUCH A SCARY DANCER, SIMMONS?

Happy birthday, J.K.! We’ll see you in our nightmares, forever and ever.