Look, I get that it’s 2018 and logic has no place in our world, darkest timeline, etc. etc. So, I guess under a certain light that it makes sense that Coldplay is the second highest-paid band in 2018, according to Forbes—but that doesn’t make it right.
I’ve crunched the numbers, ran the code, and the only possible explanation that makes sense is that somewhere out there, there is a very wealthy mom (probably of children named Karen, Chad, and Chad the Second— no one’s saying she’s creative, ok?) who keeps buying out entire arenas of Coldplay concerts, so she can enjoy their music in peace. Most likely while sipping a crisp glass of Pinot Gris, that she cheekily refers to as “Mommy’s Juice.” I also imagine that this mom, who I’m like 80 percent sure is called Debbie, will interrupt them during their set and just asks them to keep playing “Yellow” over and over again while she closes her eyes and hums off beat. I’m sure Chris Martin obliges. Debbie is their patron, after all.
This is the only reasonable explanation, because in my 30+ years on this earth, I have never encountered someone who raises their hand proudly and proclaims, “I’m going to a Coldplay concert on Saturday, so I can’t help you film the epic of Gilgamesh with your cat.” Look, we all have our hobbies, ok?! Do you know anyone who willingly goes to a Coldplay concert who is not currently dating Chris Martin?
I rest my case…and yet? Check this out, according to Forbes:
Coldplay claims the No. 2 spot with $115.5 million; its A Head Full Of Dreams Tour grossed more than half a billion dollars in its two-year, five-continent run.
I genuinely cannot fathom this—and Coldplay isn’t the only head scratcher here.
U2 is in the top spot. Which, sure, I guess that makes sense? Sometimes you have to relive the glory of the late ’80s/early ’90s, get together with the old gang, and go see Bono.
Ed Sheeran is in the third spot. I have not, and will not, ever understand Ed Sheeran, but I’m not in the habit of knocking acts geared towards teenage girls (NKOTB 4-EVA) so I will keep my mutterings and theories about a deal with the fae queen of the Unseelie court to myself, thank you very much.
It’s not until the 4th spot, Bruno Mars, does the list start to seem more realistic, and the old reliables start to show up. Katy Perry (5th), Taylor Swift (6th), Jay-Z (7th), and Beyoncé (11th). All of these acts make complete sense to me. I know people who listen to them, including me! That doesn’t really explain why Luke Brian (I think it’s been explained to me before, who he is—but I keep forgetting), The Chainsmokers, or Garth Brooks are also in the top 30-grossing acts. It’s a strange world we live in.
For the record, the only concert I saw this past year was the Mr. T Experience/Nerf Herder show in Los Angeles, so you can’t blame me for the continued (inexplicable) dominance of the Eagles, who took spot number 14.
I’ll let the Dude have the last word on that one:
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