Ever since my multiple fan letters to Ed O’Neil for his role as Relish the Troll King in the greatest miniseries of all time, The 10th Kingdom, went unanswered in 2000, I’ve accepted a bitter truth: It’s hard for me to get in touch with Ed O’Neil. So you’ll have to forgive me the following indulgence—this post is for Ed O’Neil, and Ed O’Neil only. You can skip ahead to the comments if you’d like, but I hate to bring you here under false pretenses, so here’s a contemporary trailer for the 5-part cinematic achievement that is The 10th Kingdom, and really, you should go watch it because it has both goblins and trolls.
OK—Ed, now that they’re gone, I have an urgent message for you, and it has nothing to do with the spec script I sent you multiple times for what I believe could be a thrilling sequel to The 10th Kingdom. No. I come to you with a (probably) more immediate and pressing message: You need to keep your daughter away from Leonardo DiCaprio.
Ed, I saw this article on People.com and I was concerned to say the least. I’ll excerpt the most eye-raising part (for me, personally) here and then explain why I think this isn’t a great idea to have your daughter around Leo.
O’Neill asked Sophia, ” ‘Do you want to meet him?’ ” — but his daughter wasn’t having it at first, telling him, ” ‘Oh, my God, you always do this! You say you know them and you don’t know him! You’ll make a fool of me.’ ” So the idea was tabled, until DiCaprio, 45, took it upon himself to talk to the family.
“All of a sudden, I heard, ‘Hey Ed, Happy Father’s Day.’ And I said, ‘Oh, thanks Leo! Is that your father?’ ‘Yeah’ — he was with his dad,” O’Neill said. “So I [told Sophia], ‘Stand up.’ So she, reluctantly, stood up.”
Ed. There’s a few things at play here. First off—Leo belongs with Kate Winslet and eventually, they will get together, so you’re really only setting your daughter up for heartbreak. Secondly, you probably don’t want her dating a dude who was once proud to be known as a member of the pussy posse. That’s a gross name. Finally, this dude is rumored to wear noise-canceling headphones and vape during intimate moments. That is not the type of character you want around your family, Titanic or not!
I know this is probably a light-hearted story you told on Ellen, but I do feel the need to warn you about Leo and his ways. Now that I’ve proven my loyalty to you, I hope this opens up a discourse for other things, because in addition to The 10th Kingdom sequel ideas, I do have some thoughts on a Little Giants reboot, too.
I look forward to your call, sir.
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