A Handy Guide to All The Taylors

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | August 29, 2017 |

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | August 29, 2017 |

There are a lot of famous and semi-famous people with the name of Taylor these days, and we understand how it can be confusing for our readers. The average age of a Pajiba reader, after all, is 35, and you’ve reached an age where the MTV Video Music Awards are completely unrecognizable to you. We get it! Face blindness has set in. All the kids start to look the same — back in our day, after all, we only had one Taylor: Jonathan Taylor Thomas, who played Randy Taylor on Home Improvement. That was confusing enough.

We’re here to help. Here’s a handy guide to all the Taylors, so that you don’t get confused the next time someone tries to start a conversation with you about the latest movie/Netflix show/pop song at Whole Foods, where Fuji apples are now only twice what you pay for at Kroger or Hannaford.

Taylor Swift — Swift is the most popular pop singer in America. She doesn’t come without controversy, however. She’s been criticized for not being feminist enough; for white feminism; for failing to take a stand during the election; and for being a mean girl. She sings really catchy songs, except for that last one, which is trash.

Taylor Kitsch — Neither blonde, nor a woman, nor a singer, Kitsch used to be best known for his role on Friday Night Lights, but in more recent years, Kitsch is better known as a failed movie star, having starred in flops Battleship and John Carter (Yes, GOD! I know! I know! It wasn’t that bad) and for killing True Detective in season two. He’ll be back as the villain next month in a movie called American Assassin, which is getting a ton of promotion via movie trailers despite looking like a straight-to-VOD offering. Only brief glimpses of Kitsch are offered in the trailer, however, because the marketing team didn’t want to ruin the movie’s box-office chances. Joke’s on them, however, because no one was gonna see that movie anyway! Kitsch, by the way, comes from the Joey Tribbiani fart-smelling school of acting.

Taylor Schilling — Blonde, but not a singer, Schilling used to be trapped in that Teri Polo/Teresa Palmer generic blonde girlfriend space, but she gained quick notoriety for her work on Orange is the New Black before everyone began to hate her because she was stealing valuable screen time away from the much better supporting cast. The backlash, however, has recently subsided, as her role in the show has been minimized so that she is now an equal player with the other inmates on the Netflix series. Now she’s best known as the generic blonde girlfriend on Orange is the New Black.

Taylor Lautner — Oh, he’s not a thing anymore, although he did once play Taylor Swift’s love interest in a very bad movie called Valentine’s Day. You don’t need to remember him, however, because you probably will never see him again.

Taylor Hackford — Hackford is a director best known for directing An Officer and a Gentleman, Ray, The Devil’s Advocate and Dolores Claiborne. He also made The Comedian last year with Robert DeNiro, but you didn’t see that. No one did. Hackford is best known these days as the dude who gets to go home with Helen Mirren every night.

Taylor Sheridan — Sheridan is also a director. He recently directed Wind River, but he’s probably better known for writing the screenplays to Sicario and Hell or High Water. He’s also an actor, but not a particularly good one. He played David Hale in the first season of Sons of Anarchy, among other roles.

Taylor Negron — He was a very good character actor, especially in the 1980s and ’90s. Unfortunately, he passed away at the age of 57 in 2015. RIP.

Taylor Kinney — Kinney is television actor who had a stint in the Vampire Diaries before becoming a series regular on Chicago Fire (ask your parents). Kinney used to be romantically linked to Lady Gaga, and rumors of late suggests they may be rekindling their romance.

Got it? Up to speed? Good. Glad we could perform this valuable service for you.