A Breakup Guide for Ariana Grande
Breakups sucks. As someone who recently got her heart ripped out of her chest, beating, and then stomped on Street Fighter-style, I have nothing but compassion for Ariana who is going through a breakup with Pete Davidson, currently. There’s never an easy way to end a relationship, and whether you’re the dumper or the dumped, the aftermath is usually very messy and painful. You feel like you’ll never feel good, ever again and then gradually, after many late-night Beyoncé-a-thons and empty pints of ice cream, the pain starts to lessen each day… until one day, you wake up, and you don’t automatically think about what you lost. Unfortunately, to get to that place of acceptance and be moved-on, you must go through the very painful breakup process. In the spirit of solidarity, I’ve put together a few helpful tips for Ariana during this breakup, which I hope can help her through this painful time.
1) Cleanse Your Home with Sage (and a Shaman!)
Nothing will help you regroup faster than to cleanse the energy out of the home you shared with your ex than a little sage, and a Shaman you found in the yellow pages (people still use those, ok?) You may not want to move on yet (and that’s understandable, these things take time) but you need to at least create a living space that doesn’t constantly remind you of your past. To accomplish this, smudge your home with sage, and have your Shaman chant some incantations around the house (be sure to lock up your valuables first, because you did find this person from the phone book, after all.) At the very least, you’ll have a good story for your girlfriends about the lengths you’ll go to get over your ex, when you’re ready to laugh about it. And who knows? Your Shaman may be able to dispel a 17th century demon-ghost that’s been hanging around your apartment after all. It’s a win/win.
2) It’s Ok to Rebound (Just Not with Wilmer Valderrama)
One of the best parts about being single is making bad choices with questionable men. I fully encourage you to go out with a dude who’s a professional juggler or someone who’s sure that their Genesis cover band is about to make it big, they just need a little more time ok? …Just steer clear of Wilmer Valderrama while doing so. Look, this guy is a notorious Hollywood creep who loves to prey on younger, more vulnerable women. You are his prime target—a more famous woman, who’s in a tough spot because her heart is broken (for many reasons, you’ve had a very tough year) and maybe isn’t looking to make the best choices right now, just ones that will make it hurt a bit less. I get it. Just…not him, ok? He’s bad news, and the kind of bad decision that will haunt you for more than just a night. I heard Noah Centineo is single, why not him instead? Other than some questionable Twitter activities, he seems like a nice dude.
3) Lean On Your (Famous) Friends
I imagine one of the best parts about being famous would be having famous, talented friends who pity you when you’re going through a break up. Sure, a commoner would listen to “Best Thing I Never Had” on repeat for days on end. You (Ariana Grande) can pick up the phone and ask Beyoncé to compose a complete breakup song tailored just to you. Ariana, you should do that. Rally your crew, and put together a dramatic retelling of your doomed relationship, in your (freshly saged) living room, where you’re portrayed by Wonder Woman herself, Gal Gadot, and Pete is played by Christian Bale as Dick Cheney. I mean, why not?! You deserve this!
4) Eat Ice Cream. Lots of It
This basically holds true for everyone during a breakup, but you can never have enough ice cream. The nice thing about being famous is that you could have your people reach out to Ben & Jerry’s and ask them to formulate a specific flavor just for you to eat during your breakup. They’ve created many celebrity-inspired flavors (that we know of), so clearly there is a precedent set.
5) No, Seriously, Stay Away From Valderrama
I cannot stress this enough. Just…don’t do it, ok?
Ariana, you have your whole life ahead of you, and while this may seem like a lot now, you’ll find someone, someday, who you won’t have any endings with—just beginnings. Until that day, I hope for the love of god that you stay away from Wilmer Valderrama and do what you need to do to get through this. Hang in there!
Header Image Source: Getty
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