Maroon 5, a band I believe that is now exclusively played in dentists’ waiting rooms, was announced today as the Super Bowl halftime act. Which, ok, I guess…are they running out of options? The problem with Maroon 5 is that they’re not offensively bad (like Nickelback), they’re just aggressively mediocre, forgettable, and not particularly charismatic (also, I guess, like Nickelback). Sure, Adam Levine is easy on the eyes, but he’s sort of brutal on the eardrums. Plus, I vaguely recall some random unsubstantiated gossip in the early aughts that he ghosted Jessica Simpson when they briefly dated, so…
All of the above (particularly the Simpson anecdote) makes me want to shrug and go “huh?” at the choice to have them perform. Now, I could be wrong, and they could end up being the greatest Super Bowl halftime act of all time, but since New Kids on the Block did the 1991 show, it’s basically an impossible feat to dethrone them. There are clearly more suitable acts than Maroon 5, and rather than make you take a millisecond of your precious time to ponder who they could be, I’ve done the legwork for you. You’re welcome. The 5 acts more suitable for the 2019 Super Bowl halftime are, without a shadow of a doubt:
She’s current, she’s made a lot of headlines this summer, and she has some pretty recognizable hits (or so my cousins have told me). Plus, imagine the obligatory reaction shots from Pete Davidson in the stands as he awkwardly rocked out to her songs? Priceless.
Sure, she was a supporting act for Katy Perry’s show a few years ago, but it’s time to let her headline the main stage. You know she’d put on a phenomenal set.
Christopher Walken (Dancing)
I’m not saying it’s time for something new, but it’s time for something new. I’d much rather watch Christopher Walken hoof it for 20 minutes, with absolutely no commentary from anyone, than watch Maroon 5 perform for one second. I’m sure you probably agree.
30 Odd Foot of Grunts
Sure, the Russell Crowe-backed band broke up in 2005, but what better place for them to reunite than at the Super Bowl halftime show? I’m sure you remember as many of their songs as you remember of Maroon 5’s.
Rev. Alecia, The Chair-Dancing Woman
There is literally no one I would like to see more on the Super Bowl halftime stage than Rev. Alecia dancing in her chair. Imagine it, 20 glorious minutes of her smiling and dancing, never getting up from her chair. Not only would it be more memorable than anything Adam Levine could do, it would be pure joy as well. When I have a bad day, I watch this video because the true pleasure she takes in large arm gestures and spinning in her chair reminds me that you can make anything fun. If she were available and willing to do the show, we would be talking about it for decades to come. We won’t even remember that Maroon 5 played once the second half of the game starts. Think about that for a second, and tell me you don’t think she’s the better choice?
Well, there you have it. I’m sure no one can disagree with any of the above, but on the off-chance that you do, who’s your ideal halftime act?
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