Every so often, when the news landscape is just empty enough that people might have to focus on politics or the economy or some boring shit like that, a famous-ish person will birth a child, name it something ridiculous (or, more often than not, not ridiculous, just mildly interesting but just enough so that our lamer Facebook friends spaz out about it) and take over the fucking world as though a baby’s name might be the code to all the missiles. This time, that name is Harper Seven, daughter of Posh Spice and that soccer fellow. George Costanza jokes aside, in any other week, this would be nothingness, but, like all celebrity parents who “wait” to announce the name of their child, they conveniently found an open window, after Will and Kate were on the plane, as Lainey from LaineyGossip pointed out. What ho this coincidence!
Here are some baby names that played the part of “actual news” in the role of a lifetime, and somehow made people ignore that they were making fun of a tiny baby. Some of these are actually quite lovely. Some are dumb. None remotely warrant the stupid and random fervor they ignited.
10. Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Jillette and Emily Zolten)
9. Kal-El Coppola (Nic Cage and Alice Kim)
8. Fifi Trixibell (Bob Geldof and Paula Yates)
7. Bronx Mowgli (Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz)
6. Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf)
5. Hazel & Phinneas (Julia Roberts and Danny Moder)
4. Coco (Courteney and David Arquette)
3. Harper Seven (Victoria and David Beckham)
3. Knox and Vivienne (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie)
2. Suri (Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Lord Xenu)
1. Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin)
See more Celebrity Facts.