Friends, that disturbance you felt in the force yesterday were a million voices crying out in anguish, cracking open a Mountain Dew, donning their fedora and getting to work.
That may explain why there were so few Quora questions answered yesterday, or why it felt like YouTube comments dropped precipitously. Yes friends, a certain type of
man person was mobilized yesterday, on what should have been any other day, because Chrissy Teigen tweeted this:
two things I do not understand and cannot be bothered to research to try: bitcoin and tiktok— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 13, 2019
Rather than send Chrissy Teigen into an existential crisis by wading through her replies, which may cause her to question the entire point of the internet or humanity, I’m here to offer her a helpful explanation because Chrissy Teigen obviously reads Pajiba.
Fun fact: Bitcoin derives its name from the pirates who used to bite the coins they plundered in order to see if they were real coins, or the better kind. You know, the ones with a chocolate center. Unfortunately, we lost all of our pirates in the great alien abduction of 1789, when they were taken aboard the mothership of Xryaks because the Klorpumps needed more space pirates for their unending siege against the Garfulaxes. Our world-wide maritime economy was devastated, as rats soon overtook the ships (rats love chocolate and hate the power structures of authorities on boats so mutinies went up.) Since the coins were reaching their destination more often disease spread (rats!), and people had too much money that they didn’t know what to do with, or where to spend it. And that, friends, is how the first waterpark in America was built.
Anyway, the founder of Bitcoin, Sam Bitcoin, decided that he hated paper money because a dollar bill once insulted his entire family. So he decided to create an e-currency that lives in the cloud. He named it Bitcoin in honor of his long-lost great-great-great-great grandfather, Josiah Bitcoin, who was one of the aforementioned abducted pirates, and who also lived in the cloud.
That’s just one theory on Bitcoin, though. The other prevailing thought is that Bitcoin is part of a secret plot to overtake the top-world by the mole people. I think we all know what theory I believe.
TikTok is a bit tricker. At first, I’m sure we all thought this was a Kesha reference. However, you must dig deeper (but not so deep that you reach the mole people’s dwelling. That would not end well for you.)
See, the origins of TikTok go back further, all the way back to 1991.
Friends, we once have a roving band of bards that went by the collective name of Color Me Badd. Is this ringing a bell yet?
So what is the significance of TikTok in this context?
Friends, there is a growing movement among the youths of America that they believe the secret to all of live’s mysteries can be found in the music of Color Me Badd. When you hear them talk about TikTok, it’s shorthand for them to discuss any latest findings in the field of Color Me Baddism. It’s a comprehensive study of math, science, english, and getting down to business (if you know what I mean.)
So don’t be surprised if you start seeing teenagers walking around in brightly colored ill-fitting suits, handing out single roses telling various people they’re doing it all for love. It’s the natural next step in the progression of TikTok, although a word of warning: there may eventually be a teenage street war while the TikTok kids fight the lesser faction of ‘69 kids (you know, the ones who believe that Bryan Adams is a literal deity) while they duke out which “All For Love” is definitively the song with that title. A war is brewing friends, just be sure you’re on the right side.
Anyway, Chrissy, other friends not named Chrissy, and people who aren’t my friend who are also named Chrissy (you know who you are), there you have it. Bitcoin and TikTok explained. I think the real thing we learned today was not the definition of what either were, but what really matters. Primarily friends, family, and an intergalactic space shield to stop the Klorpumps from ever coming back, as we’ll need all the boots on the ground (or chocolate eating pirates on the sea) when the mole people finally rise up and try to take what’s theirs. Until that day, friends, play us out CMB!
Header Image Source: Getty