It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and a St. Paddy’s Day post feels somehow necessary. Here’s some Irish eye candy. It tastes great and it will get you drunk.
Note: To be included on the list, the actor or actress has to be Irish-born. Being born to Irish parents doesn’t count (sorry, Michael Fassbender), even if you moved back to Ireland when you were three, Saoirse Ronan.
10. Jamie Dornan — Terrible actor, but you know you would. (I didn’t even realize that Irish people could sweat!)
9. Eve Hewson — Twice if she’s wearing her Dad’s The Fly sunglasses. “Lem-aaaawn.”
8. Liam Neeson — You can go classy Academy Award winning style, loud and rough Taken style, or quick and dirty, like the Taken clones he does for paychecks.
7. Nora-Jane Noone — Just don’t go with her into a cave (that’s not a metaphor).
6. Colin Farrell — I bet he smells like cigarettes and sandalwood and fucks like an alcoholic. It’ll be the best three minutes of your life, and then he’ll fall asleep on top of you.
5. Sarah Bolger — You’re thinking of In America instead of The Tudors or Once Upon a Time or Into the Badlands, aren’t you? No, no! Don’t cry! Not on St. Patrick’s Day!
4. Domhnall Gleeson — You’ll never have a bad sexual experience, because if he’s awkward, clumsy and unsatisfying, he’ll just go back in time and do it again. You’ll never even realize how creepy that is!
3. Ruth Negga — Trust me. After this summer’s Preacher, you’re going to be mad because she’s not number one.
2. Cillian Murphy — Whatever you do, don’t make direct eye contact. All your fantasies may come true, but you may not survive it. In fact, we couldn’t use a close-up photo for fear of bending your souls.
1. Caitriona Balfe — Even on St. Patrick’s, she’s way too much woman for any of you.