As I was perusing Netflix last night, my focus was drawn to an advertisement for another Netflix Original Movie. Unfortunately, the movie was Adam Sandler’s The Ridiculous Six. I prepared to roll my eyes and scroll away, but froze when Tom Sawyer appeared to pop up in the ad. It wasn’t Tom Sawyer, though. He’s not real. It was Taylor Lautner in a straw hat, cosmetic damage done to the teeth that Twilight bought.
I’ve tried to avoid anything concerning The Ridiculous Six since I’m not Steven and won’t be made to review it as part of some vindictive plot by TK for coffee-related indiscretions. The racism allegations, the unfunny nature of Sandler films, and regular notashitogivitis were all enough to push the movie’s very existence from my mind. Seeing Lautner in that promo, though. That grabbed me, but not for the reasons Netflix might want.
It made me sad for Lautner and the trajectory his once promising career has taken. Sure, the promising part was as a buff dude starring in forgettable flicks were people drooled more because of his body than talent, but still. Didn’t we all think that Lautner and his abs were going to have the career of Zac Efron and his abs? Let’s compare the two actors:
Taylor Lautner came from a huge teen franchise, starred in some turds, but aligned himself with Adam Sandler and pals.
Zac Efron came from a huge teen franchise and starred in some turds, but aligned himself with Seth Rogen and company.
Lautner was offered leading man roles in the reported Max Steel movie, the Stretch Armstrong flick, a fighter pilot movie called Northern Lights, and then got Abduction. Abduction flopped and took Lautner out of the $7.5 million price range. He next appeared in the Sandler dumpster fire Grown Ups 2, then the BBC series Cuckoo. Last year he starred in Tracer and this year he’s Lil’ Pete in The Ridiculous Six.
Efron, on the other hand, jumped from High School Musical to Hairspray. Even though that musical remake was a ghostly fart of the original 80s magnificence, it set up Efron to jump to flicks like Me and Orson Welles and The Paperboy. They weren’t great movies, but Efron must have a much better agent than Lautner. It isn’t like any of these were astronomical moneymakers. Yet, Efron is getting more and more starring roles. Why is that?
I blame Adam Sandler. Let’s look at the facts.
Bridgette Wilson Sampras (Billy Madison)
She was in I Know What You Did Last Summer as a disposable bitch sister character and Mortal Kombat and, uh. Phantom Punch in 2008?
Drew Barrymore (The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates, Blended)
Barrymore just keeps making movies with Sandler that get progressively more heinous and unwatchable. I’m guessing that’s why Martha Stewart refused to acknowledge her on Ellen.
Leighton Meester (That’s My Boy)
Sure, Meester married Adam Brody and they had a baby, but the last movie she made with a name I recognize is The Judge.
CeeLo Green (Hotel Transylvania)
Green said that it isn’t rape if the victim is unconscious and has defended Bill Cosby. I’m not sure if we can blame these things on Sandler, but I’m willing to try.
So Lautner, if you are reading this, hello. You seem like a nice dude. And you’re so young! 23! Shit. Anyway, get thee away from Sandler and his choad crew. Maybe pal up to Efron or Joseph Gordon-Levitt or even Jonah Hill. I just want what’s best for you, Taylor, and Sandler and his ilk are not it. Good luck and don’t ever make that Stretch Armstrong movie, no matter how much money they throw at you.