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If You Gave 11-Year-Old Boys Red Bull, Porn And History Channel Documentaries, You'd Get Sucker Punch

By | Posted Under Videos | Comments (25)

trenches-thumb.jpg

I have no idea whether Sucker Punch is going to be any good. I suspect that with so much going on between the Orcs and Nazis and teenagers in fetishwear and corpse soldiers and knights and (sigh) dragons and high-end prostitution and zeppelins and general what-the-fuckery, the best we can hope for is the kind of glorious mess that keeps everything moving so fast that the audience can’t notice just how stupid it all is. There’s enough story here for at least three movies, if not one one good one.

That said, the supporting materials kick all sorts of ass. Now, it’s probably a bad sign when your movie needs animated shorts to help the audience figure out just what the hell is going on, but at least the shorts by Swiss director Ben Hibon are pulsing with energy, excitement and horror.

The first, The Trenches, highlights the story of one unfortunate German soldier turned into a mechanized abomination to continue fighting for a desperate army running low on cannon fodder. I might be the only guy around here who finds zombies by turns disgusting and stupid, and cyborg zombies really creep me out (as a young geek, the only comic book villain I ever found truly unsettling was the cyborg Reavers in Uncanny X-Men) but it’s impossible not to empathize with our nameless German forced to carry out the paranoid fantasies of a raving lunatic.

The second short, Dragon, is, to me, less arresting. It tells the story of how the Black Knights, Orcs and (sigh) dragons all came to be at war. How and why you’d have knights, orcs and (sigh) dragons in World War I will, I assume, be explained at some point in the film itself. (Yes, yes. I know it’s all happening in the mind of an institutionalized teenage girl. Please shut up.)

I don’t understand how it’s all supposed to work together, but hey. Hot chicks in short skirts. Nothing wrong with that.

Jason Harris is very happy the corpse soldiers aren’t wearing short skirts.









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Comments

If you took away his Red Bull, Porn, and History Channel documentaries, Zach Snyder would be an 11 year-old boy.

Posted by: D-Day at March 21, 2011 7:12 PM

So, this is the screenplay Baltar and Dr. Denethor wrote at their inaugural ball after-party? (After they won the next US Presidential election. Do keep up with the cross-threading.) Awesomesauce.

Also, mechs. You forgot, there's also mechs. Everything is better with mechs.

It seems to me the only thing that could make this flick better, in an over-the-top-hot-mess kind of way, would be giant mech golden pandas. Skirts optional.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at March 21, 2011 7:20 PM

and did i just emotionally connect with ...an orc?

Posted by: gp at March 21, 2011 7:30 PM

Snyder: So, any ideas on what we can do to highlight how good our movie looks?
Production Assistant #6: Terry had a good idea.
Snyder: Terry?
Production Assistant #2: Um, yeah I was thinking maybe we should show it in 3D. That seems to be all the rage right now.
Snyder: Good. That's good. I like it. Anyone else. Tom, how about you?
Production Assistant #3: Well, we could couple the movie with some shitty, almost unbearably bad animation. That way our stuff will look even better by comparison.
Snyder: That's a great idea, Tom. I'm really proud of you today. Really, really strong suggestion. Any other ideas?
Production Assistant #5: Umm...well, it's a little off track, but some of us were wondering why we don't work on the script a little bit. Y'know, flesh out the characters some more. Make them a little more three dimensional.
Snyder: ...
Production Assistant #5: It wouldn't be hard, really. If we...
Snyder: Bill?
Production Assistant #5: Yeah, Zach?
Snyder: Take a sick day. Come back when you're feeling better.
Production Assistant #5: Oh, um. Well, I'm feeling okay now.
Snyder: Bill...
Production Assistant #5: Uh, yeah?
Snyder: I'm going to murder your children if you don't get out of my office right now. Do you want me to murder your children and eat their faces with a cold spoon while they're still alive?
Production Assistant #5: Jesus Christ!
Snyder: No, Bill. Not here.

Posted by: superasente at March 21, 2011 7:37 PM

Um. Why is no one concerned with the whereabouts of Production Assistant #4? Did Snyder already murder him for suggesting that "the 'sexy school girl' look is kinda creepy?"

Posted by: RobP at March 21, 2011 7:55 PM

Shit, RobP, I was about to type the very same thing.


"What happened to Number 4??!??? WHAT HAPPENED?!!!?!"

Posted by: MM at March 21, 2011 7:56 PM

Number 4 is fine. You can only kill PAs in numerical order. Don't worry. As long as #1 sticks to the party line, the others will survive.

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at March 21, 2011 8:03 PM

Nat Kittyface, your comment made me laugh so hard. Excellent movie reference. Fucking perfect.

Posted by: superasente at March 21, 2011 8:18 PM

Someone's getting eloquent eloquence comment of the year...

Posted by: Moviefraud at March 21, 2011 8:22 PM


I might be the only guy around here who finds zombies by turns disgusting and stupid

Nope - I'm with you. Also, boring.
~~~

Posted by: Meander at March 21, 2011 8:32 PM

This is arguably the closest any American will ever get to the batshit insanity of anime.

Posted by: Fredo at March 21, 2011 8:45 PM

See, there was all this buzz around this movie and I thought it might be interesting, with a kickass heroine and whatnot (silly of me, I know). So I was kinda disappointed when I saw the trailers.

It looks like 3D anime porn starring a plastic CGI blowup doll made for pedophiles.

Try again.

Posted by: greer at March 21, 2011 9:57 PM

I feel like I know Nat Kittyface's line, but I can't place the movie. Li'l help?

Seriously, though, what happened to the Dufresnes? I mean, Number Four?

Wait. Shit. He Was Number Four. Production Assistant #4 is the real identity of that guy from I am Number Four. Oh, snap!

What sort of demons have you awoken, superasente? What? Sort?

Posted by: RobP at March 21, 2011 10:21 PM

Nat Kittyface, that was brilliant!

D-Day, that was mean. Zach is a bit more evolved. He would be more like 13 or perhaps, 14.

Posted by: mc-rox at March 21, 2011 11:33 PM

Wow. You just used my very own, private thought to make that title line. I feel violated.

People are talking so much about this movie and, so far, I just haven't been convinced at all about anything related to it. To be honest, I've been wondering if this thing is not just another brilliant work by Neil 'the most overrated writer of all time' Gaiman. It smells like him all over.

(For the record: yes, Sandman is indeed brilliant. And what else is...?)

Posted by: godzilla_foil at March 22, 2011 12:01 AM

I think the reviewer may be missing the point that the entire movie is basically a fan boy's wet dream come true. Any ideas about character development should be checked at the door so you can enjoy it for the sensory overload it's intended to be. I'm sure that the next Lynch film that comes out will fulfill every existential whim your reviewers heart desires, but in the meantime grab some Red Vines, bite off both ends, put it in your soda and enjoy the damned movie.

Posted by: Finickyllama at March 22, 2011 12:02 AM

If any of you had the slightest idea of how constantly creative Snyder is, you'd feel embarrassed. From his film canon alone, I'm not sure where all the animosity comes from. 'Dawn of the Dead' was a damn good remake. '300' was a visual splendor that set a new standard that Snyder himself topped with 'Watchmen'. (And don't bitch about the writing, 'The Matrix' was a clusterfuck of a script.) On top of that, he directed the underrated, animated film 'Legend of the Guardians'. I'd say Chris Nolan knew what he was doing when he tapped Snyder for 'Superman'. He does, after all, know the man a bit better than all of our internet snipes and cynicism.

Posted by: Barnes78 at March 22, 2011 12:14 AM

"I think the reviewer may be missing the point that the entire movie is basically a fan boy's wet dream come true."

Ummm...no. We fan boys want sex and nudity as well. No PG-13 shit for us. When you have a female cast this attractive, and lacking talent, there better be some nudity. And there isn't any.

What they should have made is an insane movie filled with sex and gore. If it is going to suck, at least make it fun.

Posted by: Sean at March 22, 2011 12:45 AM

Hey was that Goliath's voice in the second short? Damn, I miss me some Gargoyles! Now THAT was good animation!

And godzilla_foil, Anansi Boys was excellent, along with Fragile Things, Coraline, Smoke and Mirrors, The Graveyard Book and of course Good Omens (which was done with the awesome Terry Pratchett)! Relax on the Gaiman hate, dude!

Posted by: Four Eyes at March 22, 2011 1:07 AM

@godzilla_foil: You insulted Neil Gaiman. Prepare to die.
Sincerely,
Inigo Montoya

Posted by: cinekat at March 22, 2011 9:05 AM

I have absolutely no expectations about this movie's narrative quality. I'm tempted to see it, but only for the video game-like aspect of cramming knights, dragons, orcs, ninja, samurai, mecha-samurai, zombies, cyborgs, cyborg zombies and god knows what else. I think it will be visually creative and interesting, but completely fail to tell a compelling story.

What else am I supposed to expect from Zach Snyder? His movies have mainly been gorgeously rendered panoramas of images with a weak plot.

As for you, godzilla_foil, Neil Gaiman also wrote The Graveyard Book, Neverwhere, American Gods, Stardust and Good Omens (with Terry Pratchett). All brilliant books.
I'm heartbroken that he's a Scientologist, but his work is beautiful and totally engrossing.

Posted by: Sassafrass Green at March 22, 2011 2:08 PM

After checking some of his books, I have this feeling everything he writes is the same. Somebody finds a different world and that someone happens to be special in that new world. It's all a poor re-re-rendering of The Wizard of Oz or Pan's Labyrinth.

I haven't read any of those books first to last page (mostly cause I gave up after reading some pages, reviews, blurbs and the likes), so I won't say you guys are wrong. I probably just don't see the differences from my overlooks, but the general descriptions look all the same to me.

Posted by: godzilla_foil at March 22, 2011 2:59 PM

Read Gaiman's Sandman and then get back to us. If you read that series (10 graphic novels, all different, all wonderful) and don't like it... Then you're doing it wrong.

Posted by: RobP at March 22, 2011 3:25 PM

Is the title of this post supposed to be a negative? I love me some porn, Red Bull and documentaries. I'm disappointed in myself if I only manage 2 of the 3 on any given day.

Posted by: Steve at March 22, 2011 4:32 PM

@RobP I said a few posts above that Sandman is indeed brilliant. I happen to have three editions of the whole series (the single issues, the TPBs and the absolute). actually contributes to my dissatisfaction with Gaiman's books in general.

Posted by: godzilla_foil at March 23, 2011 12:33 AM