Here's Nick Offerman's Slam Poem About Bacon. You're Welcome
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Here's Nick Offerman's Slam Poem About Bacon. You're Welcome

By Dustin Rowles | Videos | September 20, 2012 | Comments ()

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"Parks and Recreation" returns tonight, which means: Ron Swanson. Which means bacon. They're synonymous. In fact, Ron Swanson wears a bacon-scented perfume, and a friendship bracelet made of BacOs.

The man loves bacon.

While we're on the subject, and for my own edification: What do you think is the best way to prepare bacon? I actually like using the microwave because it's easier to make it crunchy. Frying pans, however, give your entire house that lovely bacon aroma. But I think the best way to prepare bacon is the broiler. Lay down some aluminum foil over a cookie sheet, line the cookie sheet with bacon, and broil each side for 12 minutes. That's bacon perfection.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    This is why you are jealous of that bitch Megan Mullaly.

  • Wormer

    Deep fried bacon. That is all you w ill need to die happy.

  • Wormer

    Also this.

  • Tammy

    Slow and low, that is the tempooooo.....
    Start the bacon in a cold cast-iron and bring up the heat just to medium. Bringing it up to temp slow will render off some of the excess fat before it really starts to "cook" so it can get crisp without burning.

    I HATE burnt bacon. Burnt bacon is an affront to proper baconry - it should be crisp and melt in your mouth, not crunchy and hard and charred. Don't get impatient and turn that heat up or you'll end up with blackened nasties; just keep an eye on it as it sizzles and flip 'em over a few times so they stay even.
    Drain them on a paper towel and then hand them all to me. All of them.

  • Jannymac

    An ole' timer bbq guy once told me that bacon was the only meat meant to be fiddled with while it cooks.

  • Tammy

    Live it. Learn it. Love it.

  • PyD

    what Americans call bacon makes me sad inside
    but you know no better
    its your parents fault
    and their parents fault and
    probably Nixon's agriculture guy too,
    like with the corn syrup and the beefs
    streaky bacon certainly has its place
    but its all you seem to know
    and it makes me sad inside

  • Tammy

    Blech, you like that English "bacon" which is actually just a chunk of ham, don't you? Fascists.

  • Groundloop

    Well this has been informative and inspiring. I've always been a frying pan kinda guy, but this weekend I'm going to try doing bacon in my convection toaster oven. I've got a baking tray with a rack, so I'm thinking I'll lay the bacon on the rack and try it at 350º or 375º with the convection on.

  • In the oven on about 400 (not broiler), drizzle the bacon with maple syrup. You'll kill yourself for ever forgetting that step.

  • Someone downvoted bacon with maple syrup?

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Rub it with brown sugar THEN glaze with maple syrup. It's called bacon candy.

  • That might be a little too sweet for me.

  • Tammy

    I have been known to make PBB sandwiches, for breakfast:
    Toasted multigrain bread, perfectly crispy bacon, a shmear of peanut butter on both sides, and a drizzle of good honey. I'm not kidding in the slightest. Maple syrup would only improve this combination...

  • space_oddity

    After getting divorced from my vegetarian wife of 8 years, I went on a bacon spree (probably reducing my life expectancy by an equal number of years in the process). While I am a big fan of the simple stovetop frying pan preparation, I think my favorite way was to wrap the bacon around other meat (say, a chicken breast) and pop it in the broiler. Sexy meat on meat action, delivering an orgasm for the tastebuds.

    But there are some things you probably shouldn't do with bacon. I tried Rogue's Bacon and Maple Ale a couple weeks ago... and it was totally nasty. The fact that it comes in a bottle the same color as Peptobismol should be a clue...

  • Maguita NYC

    Meat on meat is decadent goodness. That is how I like my pigs in a blanket, tiny sausages, sleeping peacefully in a tightly wrapped blanket of maple-cured bacon.

    Topped with salsa and a mix of melted shredded cheeses... ooooh...

  • chrisahl

    12 minutes a side under a broiler? It is either powered by candles or you like charcoal.

    10-15 minutes at 400 depending on desired crispiness.

  • Dig that crispy meat, baby.

  • InternetMagpie

    I had to stop watching this because I'm at work and the combination of Nick Offerman, his hands, that t-shirt, and bacon was making me flush.

  • nini

    i don't like bacon.


  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    We only hate people. Which you clearly are not.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Oh, and if you use that thinly sliced shit, Nick and I are coming to your house and his mustache is going to bang your wife or husband while I watch and point and laugh at your obvious failure as a human being.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    You take the bacon, put it on a smoker at 150 for twenty minutes, bump the heat up to 275 until it reaches the doneness you desire. (I prefer mine to melt like a smokey strip of porcined buttery freedom) Or for you numbers people, another twenty to twenty-five minutes.

  • Tammy

    Porcine Buttery Freedom is the name of my memoir.

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