Pajiba

If I can see butt cheek from the front while one "shakes that thang" one's dress is too damn short. I'll never be able to unsee that.

My only regular exposure to country music is whatever Faith Hill does before Sunday Night Football, but this doesn't seem any worse than that. If anything, it seems like Paltrow is aping Hill's entire schtick.

Don't forget the Baconnaise.

Wow, I haven't seen a stage presence that graceful and not awkward since Jack Hanna brought a baby emu on TV.*

And oh my God, what was with that dress? I can't decide what makes me more uncomfortable, the fact that I could see her pancake ass cheek from the front or that I initially assumed that as pale as it was that the coloring could only belong to some white granny panties.

To borrow a phrase from one of the great cinematic classics, "Hey, Miss Penthouse '98, close those legs, I could drive a boat show in there."

*For purposes of hyperbole, I have no idea whether not Jack Hanna ever actually brought a baby emu on TV, and to that I say, "Go Muskies!"

Tracer:

Allow me to clarify: what Faith Hill does is not country music either. There's this genre of "music" in which millions of songs that all sound exactly the same have a little twang and mention of a cowboy added and an entire generation thinks it's country. You can recognize it easily by its complete lack of memorability and the fact that it's always sung by a blonde or a Cyrus. It's American Idolized country at best.

Haterz gonna hate!

I still support you, Gwyneth. I wont see this movie, mind you, because I don't really understand it and have no interest in it, but you have my continuing support.

Not only is that dress too short (I'm pretty sure the folks on stage would have seen the good china, if it wasn't covered properly), it was quite unflattering.

And I think Gwyneth is a good actress, but this role seems too forced.

I can't wait until this comes out. All the cowboys and girls in town will be talking about how great it was and what an amazing "musician" Paltrow is. I was looking for an excuse to throw myself in front of a bus and this town (Home of the Cowboy Poetry Festival. No. Not kidding.) will help me right along.

Ouch. Fuck this movie.

She wants to live like common people. She wants to do what common people do.

So I jumped ahead to the indicated point, and it was cringe inducing. But I have to ask, with the answer potentially included in the start of the video, isn't the premise she's a drunk/drugged out fading star - is this perhaps before the trip to rehab? Is this supposed to be cringe inducing to reveal how the mighty have fallen?

Previous to clicking play on this video, I already had no intention of seeing this movie. Once I was past the 30 second mark I was ready to move on, however I felt I needed to wait for the 3:25 mark... and in that span while mesmerized by the terrible-ness on the display, I began to question why do I trust Dustin's opinion? Over the years, yes his average is rather high, but on a daily basis... not so much... well everyone has an off day, and JESUS! how much longer can this video go on? They filmed the whole song... in its entirety? Oh for Pete & Pete's sake, I still have 2 minutes left to get to the payoff (had to fight the urge to say moneyshot).

Sorry, I just realized I started to ramble on a bit there. Any-who-zit, the point is I really hope that the theatrical version of this movie edits a good 50% of this performance out for sake of pacing. I'm not one of those people who enjoys western twanged pop music calling itself country (hell for the most part other than Johnny Cash I could care less for 90% of what is real country music) so I don't get the appeal of this movie anyway. But that seemed like it should be a special feature on the dvd in the $5 bin and not an all encompassing scene in a movie. While I sat here waiting for the waterboarding to begin and end this misery, I thought of all the movies with musical performances which were snippets in the movie and had those kind of special feature segments.... and they were all better than this, I can only suspect that there wasn't a lot of substance to this "film" and it needed filler. Oh and I wonder what her husband thinks of this performance... I don't really care for him either, but hey, whatever

Well fuck me. The only way I could get through that was to turn off the sound and turn up The Skatalites I had on in the background. GP is kinda insufferable, but in the right role she can be good. This is not the right role. I don't give 2 shits about pop country, and have no intention of seeing this, but there has to be actresses better suited to playing this part. Or even on honest to Dog singer that can act.

Semi related, my favourite quote about modern country music comes from the brilliant comedian Elvira Kurt when describing the music of Shania Twain:

"Nothing evokes the image of the frontier prairie like a girl from Timmins, living in a castle in Switzerland with a guy named Mutt."

Hmm. I might have found the silver lining in recent demise of long relationship: I will not be stuck in his car listening to this when it comes on the country stations.

PS: What about the background graphics?! Hilarious.

The mister and I saw the trailer for this the other night at the theater. It was so.....BAFFLING. So weird. So uncomfortable and cringey. Is it on purpose? Are they serious or is this satire or what?

I have never, and I mean this in all sincerity, EVER felt the urge to both laugh full-force AND throw up at the same time before. It's a hilarious and sickening, weird feeling. Like when you need to sneeze and burp, except WORSE.

So we looked at each other and then had to suppress the worst giggle/horf fits we've ever had. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT IT.

Gwyneth needs to go watch Sissy Spacek play Loretta Lynn and then kill herself.

Didn't she watch "Crazy Heart" to pick up a few tips about how to go country? But then that movie was about a dude played by the Dude who can actually sing.

Hank Williams. Lefty Frizzell. Carl Smith. Every GOTDAMN ghost that haunts the boards of the Grand Ol' Opry stage at the old Ryman... they all need to band together and totally "Poltergeist" everyone involved in this mess.
That is all.

i can't bring myself to hate gwyneth, because if you put a really curly red wig on her, she'd look a lot like my sister. but my sister can dance a helluva lot better than that. she should have been gwyneth's body double for this movie, then all you guys would have to complain about is the music.

I'm pretty sure the folks on stage would have seen the good china

Posted by: tamatha at December 20, 2010 11:31 AM

I'd never heard this delightful expression before, but you'd better believe I'm totally stealing it. Much obliged, ma'am.

Tim McGraw would go down on Satan to extend his 15 minutes of fame.

Wow.

That was just so..weird. And not entertaining. Isn't she married to Chris Martin? Are they not the kind of couple that talks about work with each other? Because I am seriously failing to see how he could've listened to that song and NOT have said something along the lines of, "Dear, I love you, but I don't think this is the best move for your - strike that - ANYBODY'S career."

I'm assuming this is suppossed to be satirical, but maybe i'm over thinking it.

Nosio: I have to believe that she and Chris are on the outs and that he and his friends sit around and laugh their asses off about this. I just have to. How anybody can think she is anything but an utter douchebag eludes me.

"Gwyneth needs to go watch Sissy Spacek play Loretta Lynn and then kill herself."

A to the Men. Gwynnie, part of life is learning one's limitations and accepting them.

She's so clearly lip-synching, this must be a joke.

OTOH, her ass looks great.