You've Got Spunk. I Hate Spunk: The Allegedly Adorable Dream Girls of Cinema
By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (53)
A few weeks back JoRo spoke of the worst leading ladies in recent rom-com history. And they are bad. Like spoiled watermelon bad (seriously, is anything worse?) But there is something worse than an entitled twat meeting her match in the rom-com world, and that is lifechanging female. In some forms, she is the manic pixie dream girl. In some forms, she is the still waters calming the rocky boat of our hero. In many forms, she is fucking annoying. And made vastly more by her life-altering properties. Anyone can fall in love with anyone else. It’s crazy human science. But these individuals manage to change the entire life course for the male protagonist along the way, leaving the audience uttering a resounding “…her?”
These are those questionable cuties, the ones apparently worth their weight in gold because, well, we’re told they are.
Claire, Eilzabethtown
Bitch, you were not worth the scavenger hunt to the farmer’s market. What is the constant need to cast Kirsten Dunst as the kind of girl men fall for like Jenga tiles? She plays every role with this layer of hateful condescension and almost laughable unlikeability that can simply not be written that way every single time, and therefore must either be an ill-decided acting tic, or Dunst is just an asshole.
Allison, The Sure Thing
I love this movie very much, but dear heavens, I question Gib’s desire for Allison. Smart and driven, and therefore socially robotic, as so many ’80s love interests were, Allison is a stick in the mud who cuts loose later on by flashing a passing car and shotgunning a beer, but none of that makes her any more pleasant. She has two modes: cold and cruel, or infantile. At her most vulnerable, she discusses her childhood dream of becoming a princess, or her goal of buying a cozy farmhouse, and she does so in such a little girl way that I guess we’re supposed to just fall into adorable love with her, but we don’t. It’s not like we want him with blonde bikini girl, but we’re not that wild about this one, either. And thus the only worthy ship in the movie is Gib and these guys.
Sam, Garden State
Sam is a possibly touched pathological liar, but I loathe her most for but one element: the cute.
I. Hate. Cute.
Let me backspace. I can like cute. I like puppies and non-yelling babies and cupcakes that look like Muppets. But I cannot abide people trying to be cute, or, worse yet, people who think themselves cute. Because they are very nearly almost always wrong.
Oh, you think you’re so adorable because you’re very tiny and wearing large headphones? Somehow your nutter lies are precious because you admit to them like an apologetic little girl, and that makes them okay? And, speaking of little girls, you are of indeterminate age, living at home with mom and quirky pets? I mean, you’re apparently over 21. What is the matter with you? And what is the matter with Andrew that he is so deeply attracted to this ladychild? Shades of creepy awash with enough awesome Shins music that we ignore it all too easily. Also, Braff has creepy subway bad toucher lips.
Diane Court, Say Anything
This one hurts. Because I don’t like saying one thing against this film. But…seriously…her? We all want to be loved the way Lloyd loves Diane, but I’d have to assume we’d try to earn it more, damn girl. Falling again into the ’80s realm of smart-therefore-socially-retarded, Diane isn’t all that awesome at being a girlfriend, mostly because she’s, depending on how you view it, either a daddy’s girl or a victim of incredibly manipulative child abuse. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve love by any means, but chick has some work to do with the man in the mirror before she goes from devoting herself to one man, to another.
Rita, Groundhog Day
This is a vote of solidarity to Joanna’s previous list, because I was so thrilled to see someone else call out Andie MacDowell for her tireless efforts in the industry of being the least likeable love interest in the history of film. Andie MacDowell is actually impressive in that she takes boring to such a dull level that it becomes irritating, like being weakly fanned with a sheet of wet cardboard for an hour. I wouldn’t want to spend one day with Rita, let alone countless days attempting to woo her worthless self. The larger problem seems to be this: Bill Murray’s characters all have unspeakably bad taste in women, save for Venkman, and let’s face it, Dana had some issues, too, namely Zuul flare-ups.
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Comments
Posted by: StoatCat at July 21, 2011 3:15 PM
I don't want to be loved the way Dobler loves Diane. Creepy stalking w/ boombox is unnecessary, and will likely get me in trouble with my landlord for noise violations. Why not write a nice letter? Letters are nice.
And he's already got the pen. -CE