You May Be Considered Pretty by Some, but Lady, You Can't Act: Hollywood's Top Female Charlatans
Let’s get real, shall we? Everyone knows there are certain actresses out there who get work because of the way they look or a certain likability factor, rather than any genuine ability to put on a show. One of the funniest things I’ve seen was Jennifer Aniston on “Inside the Actor’s Studio,” (research!) making faces while talking about her acting coach, who told her she was a disgrace to the Russian theater—she clearly believes she has proven him wrong, but most of us know better. I really had to watch to see how James Lipton would handle Aniston (with kid gloves) and vice versa (tight-lipped, overly cautious, stilted). That Lipton brought up and even promoted her SmartWater endorsement as a part of her career was a show low.
Aniston is pretty enough (in certain light)
and she seems to have charmed a particular audience—especially women—though, not me. But if you’ve ever seen Aniston on a talk show, it becomes obvious that The Rachel’s shtick on “Friends” was just Aniston letting out her own personality quirks. Everything she does is a variation on The Rachel; The Good Girl was The Rachel on quaaludes, The Break Up was The Rachel letting out her feelings post Brad Pitt and Derailed was The Rachel miserably failing at badassery. I haven’t seen Horrible Bosses; from what I’ve read, it features The Horny Rachel.
But never fear, Aniston is not alone. And among her peers is an inexplicable Oscar winner, so surely these ladies can go on believing they are “artists” practicing their “craft.” You know that old saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” Unfortunately, I’m sure they will.
5. Eliza Dushku. I don’t think I even have to say much here—doesn’t everyone already know? Look up “wooden” in the dictionary and there her picture will be. She can laugh, she can cry, she can run around with a gun, but whatever she’s doing will be pointless and once more, without feeling. She does get tons of fan mail from jails though, so there’s that.
4. Megan Fox. This girl really has herself convinced she is wanted for her acting, doesn’t she? Oh honey, take a look at your own resume and you’ll see what’s going on. Pretty…
3. Lena Headey. Lena can make about three faces and that’s the extent of her acting ability. She can make a cranky face, a sad face and a face that looks like it smells poo. She speaks in a monotone voice and even her laugh has a sad undertone. I think she knows how bad she is.
2. Jennifer Aniston. I believe I already covered this (see above).
1. Julia Roberts. She’s got the biggest smile because she’s pulled off the best scam in acting history. (So maybe she’s actually better than we think? No, I’m sure it’s just an accident.) Julia can’t act. Julia can’t even walk like someone of the female persuasion—she must have been a cowboy in a previous life. Julia just stands around being Julia and saying her lines and I guess those Crest White Strips have done their job, because people are simply blinded by her smile. Or something. What else can explain that she won an Academy Award for letting the top of her bra peek out of her shirt, while still remaining unsexy? Keep flashing that smile, baby.
Cindy Davis is not an actress, nor would she pretend to be one.
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