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November 24, 2009 | Comments (45)
The sidekick. A difficult character to get right, and one frequently gotten wrong. Too often, movie sidekicks are simply used for dumb comic relief. Sure, there are some great ones out there, but there are some truly terrible ones as well. I’ve been wondering for some time now how, for example, Christopher Nolan would ever handle Robin, should he ever choose to add him into the new Batman franchise, because it can backfire so very easily.
So with that said, here are some of the worst movie sidekicks of all time:
6) Anthony Edwards as Nick “Goose” Bradshaw — Top Gun (has there ever been a less useful wingman?)
5) Chris O’Donnell as Robin — Batman and Robin, Batman Forever (dishonorable mention to Alicia Silverstone for Batgirl in Batman and Robin)
4) Carl Weathers as Apollo Creed, Rocky III and IV (A great opponent, a lousy sidekick)
3) John Rhys Davies as Gimli, Son of Glóin — The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (A phenomenal badass character in the books, reduced to cheesy comic relief and cracks about his height in the films)
2) Rob Schneider as Fergie — Judge Dredd (A terrible film made even worse by the presence of Schneider, who is a blight upon the universe)
1) Ahmed Best as Jar Jar Binks — Star Wars Episodes I-III (Direct quote from Harry Knowles’ Episode I review: “Mesa Luved Him!” ‘nuff said)
If Mudflap and Skids are considered sidekicks, then I nominate them. And the balls on that huge evil transformer. The balls just swung! They didn't crush anyone! (Did they...?)
Um, Apollo Creed should not be on this list, he's how Rocky got his groove back. That slo-mo beach training scene in Rocky 3 is one of the most truly wonderful moments caught on film, it's sacrilegious that have included him.
I'm down with everyone else cept Gimli screw you for that. :P
Posted by: Mebe at November 24, 2009 3:10 PM
Nolan has said that Robin will never ever be in his Batman movies.
A Pox on JarJar and Schneider though.
Posted by: Mebe at November 24, 2009 3:12 PM
Is Harry Knowles an evil alternate universe version of Dustin Rowles?
I'd like to give an honorable mention to Alicia Silverstone's latex outfit in Batman and Robin since the mere mention of it is enough to put my boyfriend in the mood.
Posted by: becks at November 24, 2009 3:13 PM
I forgot about "The Ambiguously Gay Duo" from SNL. That header pic made me crack up.
Posted by: Jadine at November 24, 2009 3:13 PM
I’ve been wondering for some time now how, for example, Christopher Nolan would ever handle Robin, should he ever choose to add him into the new Batman franchise, because it can backfire so very easily.
As bad as Batman and Robin was, it is now only the second worst interpretation of Batman. Thanks a lot, "All Star Batman and Robin." Go fuck yourself, Frank Miller.
3) John Rhys Davies as Gimli, Son of Glóin — The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (A phenomenal badass character in the books, reduced to cheesy comic relief and cracks about his height in the films)
That's not entirely fair, I know it was cheap making fun of his height, but Merry and Pippin are gone for large chunks of the movie, do you have any idea how dry the film would be without those Gimli jokes?
Although it's just about impossible to disagree with Jar Jar as the worst sidekick ever, Rob Schneider was in Judge Dredd? That automatically means that spots 1 through 6 should be taken up by Schneider, he's, unbelievably, worse than Binks.
I saw Chris O'Donnell low on the list and got all upset. Then I saw Jar Jar, and got all upset again. Thanks a fucking lot. I paid a hypnotist a lot of hard earned money to make those horrifying memories disappear, and for what?
Oh
No
You
DIDN"T
Diss on Goose.
You have crossed the line there, my man. You want to know the thing about Goose? He was the sweet, geeky, quiet one who walked 3 steps behind the cock and balls glory that was Maverick, but he is the one that the girls really wanted. He was the one with the heart and soul. While Maverick would take you down and fuck you silly, Goose would look into your eyes and say your name.
Over.
And Over.
And Over.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 3:33 PM
Oh, how I love the Ambiguously Gay Duo. That car of theirs...
What's most amusing about it is how it is almost a line-by-line rendering of every superhero/action movie ever made, but many of the target audience of those movies don't seem to get that.
Posted by: Slash at November 24, 2009 3:33 PM
That Colbert link...
Wow.
Just Wow.
Posted by: Scully at November 24, 2009 3:39 PM
Goose would look into your eyes and say your name.
Over.
And Over.
And Over.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 3:44 PM
If Mudflap and Skids are considered sidekicks, then I nominate them. And the balls on that huge evil transformer. The balls just swung! They didn't crush anyone! (Did they...?)
Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at November 24, 2009 3:09 PM
---------------------------------------------------
Balls always swing, they don't crush. Crushing belongs to the female anatomy.
DENTATAAAAAAAAAAA!
Posted by: Secret Ballz at November 24, 2009 3:47 PM
That image from Judge Dredd looks like it's a live action Ambiguously Gay Duo.
Posted by: henchman for hire at November 24, 2009 3:48 PM
I love Stewart but I have too much hero worship for him to do naughty things. Colbert on the other hand...fans self.
Posted by: Mebe at November 24, 2009 3:50 PM
I have to add my voice to the outcry at Goose being included on this list.
Shame! SHAME!
I will tell you all right now that I own Top Gun and I watch it every now and then and I STILL get the misties....fucking jet wash!!!! Gah!
Posted by: arr matey at November 24, 2009 4:01 PM
True story. Back when Star Wars Episode I was due to come out, I had just started work at a major software company. Management was so terrified that we would ALL call in sick on the opening day of the movie, that they bought us all tickets and scheduled us to go to the movie during work hours, in shifts, so that they would still have someone working the phones during the day. We all came back talking about the gay, Jamaican rabbit and what was Lucas thinking.
Posted by: BWeaves at November 24, 2009 4:06 PM
*Oh, brrrrrrother*
Goose WASN'T A WINGMAN, ya idiot! He was Maverick's weapons officer and he was DAMNED good. If anything Maverick SUCKED at being Iceman's wingman. I also can't see why Goose should make this list, he was a good sidekick.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 24, 2009 4:23 PM
I'm with the other posters in agreeing that Gimli adds some much-needed humor to the dry parts of the LOTR films. He provides moments of black humor (particularly in his killing competition with Legolas) during otherwise gruesome battle scenes.
Now Legolas I would have accepted. He was, as quoted, "phenomenally badass" in the stories, but reduced to whipping his hair, the occasional cool stunt, and awful lines like "A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night" in the films.
Posted by: bonnie at November 24, 2009 4:24 PM
Jar Jar Binks? WTF is that? There are only three Star Wars films and they were released in the 70s and 80s... I'm confused?
Harry Knowles, on the other hand... I had an unfortunate encounter with him on May 19th, 1999 at the premier of some movie I've since forgotten... there aren't suns enough to adequately articulate my hate for the man. I hated his website-for-eight-year-old-suck-ups before I met him and I hate him even more since then.
Posted by: Lubeg at November 24, 2009 4:26 PM
Lubeg, cheers. There are only 3 SW movies. lalalalala
Posted by: Mebe at November 24, 2009 4:29 PM
Greatest Movie Sidekicks?
5. Officer Winslow from Die Hard (I know that's not the character's name, but it's the same dude, so suck it)
4. Richard Prior in Superman III
3. Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element
2. Short-Round from Temple of Doom
1. Chewbacca.
Boom.
Posted by: superasente at November 24, 2009 4:31 PM
You know, I was about to say that maybe TK meant that Goose was a lousy wingman in the sense of helping Mavrick pick up chicks. But you know what? He was about the perfect wingman: He could play the piano so you could sing, he played a good straight man in your shenanigans, and because he was married already you knew he wasn't going to try and screw with your game.
TK, you're just all kinds of wrong with that one.
Posted by: UnlessTheMoonFalls at November 24, 2009 5:40 PM
Classic Worst Movie Sidekicks:
1. Nigel Bruce's Watson to Basil Rathbone's Sherlock Holmes.
2. Keye Luke as Charlie Chan's Number One Son to Warner Oland's Charlie Chan.
3. Anyone who had to work with Lassie.
Posted by: BWeaves at November 24, 2009 5:49 PM
I can't believe Robert Pattinson Eye Brows didn't make the list. But good call on Goose. Every scene he was in totally out Gay'd the volleyball scene,even when he was floating dead in the sea.
Posted by: Bob at November 24, 2009 5:57 PM
"Goose was the heart of Top Gun."
Moral of the story: Cut your heart out and you're the #1 asskicker this side of Baghdad.
Posted by: Recondite at November 24, 2009 5:58 PM
Micky Rooney in everything
Posted by: Bob at November 24, 2009 6:01 PM
+1 on why the hell is Apollo Creed on this list?
Has any sidekick has ever done more for their man than he did? Beyond merely helping Rocky get serious/back in the game, it was Apollo's Ali-tastic fighting style that made it possible for him to beat Clubber. Without it, he'd have lasted longer, but still would have lost.
Paulie's the one who belongs on the list!
Posted by: Jacktrade at November 24, 2009 6:26 PM
Remember when everyone was giving Mel Gibson shit about his anti-semetic comments and Rob Schneider said "I refuse to work with Mel Gibson"?
That was the first time that I could put "antisemitism" and "funny as hell" together in the same thought.
bonnie: "Now Legolas I would have accepted. He was, as quoted, "phenomenally badass" in the stories, but reduced to whipping his hair, the occasional cool stunt, and awful lines like "A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night" in the films."
Definitely. Oh, and let's not forget: "A diversion." :facepalm:
BWeaves: "Classic Worst Movie Sidekicks:
1. Nigel Bruce's Watson to Basil Rathbone's Sherlock Holmes.
THIS as well. Watson was NOT a bumbling idiot in the books. Just less observant than Holmes. Although, he did sleuth his ass off in Hound of the Baskervilles. I'd like to see Nigel bruce sleuth his way out of a bicycle helmet.
Posted by: vic at November 24, 2009 7:14 PM
Posted by: Sofía at November 24, 2009 6:35 PM
It's weird, by an astonishing coincidence, Mel Gibson's punishment in hell will be to work forever on a buddy comedy flick where he co-stars with Rob Schneider. The film will be directed by Woody Allen, who is also being punished in hell.
Goose fucking rules. Fuck you, TK. He kills it for Mav on the actual wingmanning front (singing in bar), he bucked Mav up when he needed it, and he was banging a damn fine looking Meg Ryan. Who else has ever had anything as cool as this yelled out to them?:
"Goose, yah big stuuud... take me to bed or lose me forever."
For some reason I was afraid I'd see Silent Bob on here and then I'd have to cut a muthafucka.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at November 24, 2009 11:34 PM
Goose does not belong, no way at all. And to whoever put Chris Tucker from Fifth Element on the list, he is the only reason I stop to watch that movie on cable if it's on. What a ridiculous over the top stupid performance. But it's like a train wreck! I love that movie, and he makes it even better!
Posted by: Alex at November 25, 2009 1:38 AM
But the inclusion of Gimli is bang on. How did a bad-ass killing machine turn into comic relief snowboarding down stairs?
Say that to Carl Weathers face and just see what happens. He may be old, but I bet he's still got mad skills. Apollo brought Rocky back to his A-game. Without him Rocky IV (the most awesome Rocky film) would not have been the same. I mean no James Brown entrance, no tearful death scene, no beatdown of Ivan Drago. Carl dies in Predator, Rocky IV, and even Happy Gilmore. Leave the man alone.
Goose plays Great Balls of Fire like a crazy person. That awesomeness alone excludes him from this list.
Your list pretty much blows. Good job!
Posted by: Dingle Berry at November 25, 2009 8:36 AM
The sidekick,the second class citizen,the sympathy vote.
TK you did a fine job.
Posted by: Bob at November 25, 2009 9:24 AM
Barney Rubble when his voice changed.
, FTW
Posted by: , (TCFKAB), at November 26, 2009 11:48 PM
Oh look, it says "movie sidekicks."
Fuck me, and not in a good way.
*reaches for another breast*
Posted by: , (TCFKAB), at November 26, 2009 11:49 PM
YES.
i think robin shouldve been more like how the cartoon made him seem
chris o'donnell was just plain annoying
Posted by: kiki at August 25, 2010 3:11 AM
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If Mudflap and Skids are considered sidekicks, then I nominate them. And the balls on that huge evil transformer. The balls just swung! They didn't crush anyone! (Did they...?)