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Worst Lays -- Fictional Movie Character Edition

A Seriously Random List / Dustin Rowles

Seriously Random Lists | June 10, 2009 | Comments (53)

10. The Kid (Prince) — Purple Rain

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9. Elizabeth Peña (Jezzie) — Jacob’s Ladder

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8. Dr. Moreau (Marlon Brando) — The Island of Dr. Moreau

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7. Myra Breckenridge (Raquel Welch) — Myra Breckenridge

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6. Edna Turnblad (John Travolta) — Hairspray

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5. Regan (Linda Blair) — The Exorcist

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4. Dawn (Jess Wexler) — Teeth

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3. Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks) — Forrest Gump

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2. Ronnie J. McGorvey (Jackie Earle Haley) — Little Children

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1. Shannon (Ben Affleck) — Mallrats

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Comments

I'd have to say that Edward Scissorhands would be a terrible lay. Bitch is clumsy, and there is nothing less sexy than an impromptu episiotomy.

Posted by: Julie at June 10, 2009 4:08 PM

Jar Jar Binks for the win. Unless I can use his ears as gags.

Posted by: slower lower at June 10, 2009 4:10 PM

You mean like in the back of a Volkswagon?

Posted by: TK at June 10, 2009 4:11 PM

Patrick Bateman? On the one hand, he's Christian Bale. On the other hand, you're dead.

Posted by: figgy at June 10, 2009 4:11 PM

Clearly, Dustin needs a handjob. Ladies?

That said, I'd sooner fuck John Travolta in that get-up than Devine.

Assuming we're sticking with humans or at least humanoids:

Annie Wilkes -- Misery
Chatterer -- Hellraiser
Madea -- Madea etc.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 10, 2009 4:12 PM

You could have sex with Dawn from teeth, as long as it was consensual and she didn't want to chomp your peen off.

And I'm with Tracer. I would not want to have sex with Madea. In fact, I'd rather do Edna Turnblad than goddamn Madea. Wait, Does that make me a racist?

Posted by: Marra at June 10, 2009 4:16 PM

If we're sticking with humans, then it would be Hayden Christensen in Attack of the Clones, for aliens, Jabba The Hutt from Return of the Jedi.

God I hate Hayden Christensen. He's the worst actor alive. Is there anyone aside from Milo Ventigwhatshisname or Bob Saget who consistently sucks as much as he does?

Posted by: George at June 10, 2009 4:16 PM

I'm thinking someone with a permanent vacant expression, dead fish eyes, and bad facial hair:

Bernie Lomax (You were expecting Keanu Reeves?)

Posted by: branded at June 10, 2009 4:20 PM

Bernie Lomax got more action as a dead guy than I've gotten my whole life. Lucky stiff.

Posted by: Snath at June 10, 2009 4:22 PM

I was thinking the Gypsy from Drag Me To Hell. Nothing kills a boner quite like having someone gum your chin, puke maggots onto you, then put a curse on you to have a Lamia haul your ass off to Hades for all of eternity.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at June 10, 2009 4:24 PM

You put the girl's with the murderous vag 4th?!? Above Forrest Effing Gump? Hell to the no!

Posted by: Patty O'Green at June 10, 2009 4:24 PM

Wasn't Regan like, 10? Possessed by devil or not, that's fucked up.

Posted by: TylerDFC at June 10, 2009 4:26 PM

Wait wait wait... so you're saying Forest Gump is a worse lay than a chick with teeth in her vagina?

Dustin, you have got some issues, dude.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 10, 2009 4:29 PM

Okay, i know the reasons behind this list are not what my next comment are getting at but I have to call creepy at Reagan, dude even possesed she's twelve. Admittedly she'd still be a lousy, terrifying lay but frankly if you where fucking her you'd deserve every horror she would bring upon you.

Figgy, not everyone Bateman bones dies. Reese Witherspoon presumably got some, and that drugged up girlfriend of Justin Theroux survived. So yeah you could still safely do Bateman.

Is...is it wrong i would still have done Old Marlon Brando. Even fat and oddly insane the man had...something

Posted by: Nadine at June 10, 2009 4:32 PM

Elijah Price (Samuel L. Jackson) - Unbreakable.

If he's on top, his arms would break. If you're on top, you'd probably crush him to death. If his dick didn't break off first.

Posted by: UncivilizedMike at June 10, 2009 4:38 PM

Odd that nobody mentioned Elizabeth Berkeley from Showgirls. Guess Porpoise sex has more fans than I thought.

Posted by: Laughner at June 10, 2009 4:43 PM

I think Regan was 12 or 13 which is better than ten but still skeevy. If you were Miley's boyfriend, would you hit it? Be honest.

And Jigsaw has to be pretty bad.

Posted by: greer at June 10, 2009 4:46 PM

Myra Breckenridge is a cruel fucking joke. One the "con" side: a near-psychotic transsexual rapist. On the "pro" side: that looks like Raquel goddamnmotherfuckingbraaagh Welch.

I totally empathize with Vidal for hating that movie.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 10, 2009 4:54 PM

I'm not a smart man...but I know what fuckin' is.

Posted by: figgy at June 10, 2009 4:56 PM

I have to disagree with you on Myra Breckenridge. I like it to hurt as much as humanly possible.

Posted by: ChristianH at June 10, 2009 5:05 PM

Hey. To be fair, Jesus fucked Regan in The Exorcist, and if Jesus can do it, does that make it wrong?

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at June 10, 2009 5:07 PM

Leatherface must be pretty fucking bad... there's probably a whole lot of horror movie characters you could mention.

Is it wrong to mention Sasha Grey from that Girlfriend Experience movie? Maybe not half as bad as these up here but I really don't find her a turn on with her over acting and dead eyes and constant screaming. She freaks me out.

Posted by: barf at June 10, 2009 5:11 PM

Yeah but what Raegan did to Jesus could technically be considered rape. So YES. YES it makes it wrong.
I guess if we want to know how bad a lay she is we'd have to ask old Jebus himself but...I get the feeling he wont want to talk about it unless we agree to play the flashback in grainy black and white.

Posted by: Nadine at June 10, 2009 5:11 PM

I forgot to add: You can't spell "smoking hot, clinically insane T-girl rapist" without....T-girl, I guess. Whatever. Raquel Welch can mine my depths any time, whether I want it to happen or not (preferrably not. WHOA, PARADOX!).

Posted by: ChristianH at June 10, 2009 5:12 PM

I kind of *heart* ChristianH right now.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 10, 2009 5:22 PM

i always figured that Miss Piggy would be a terrible lay.

Posted by: causaubon at June 10, 2009 5:43 PM

5. Regan (Linda Blair) — The Exorcist

I know some of you have mentioned the "Jesus" scene in the movie. Come on, "Fuck me Jesus, Fuck Me Jesus!" I got turned on...what, does that make me a horrible person?

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 10, 2009 5:45 PM

I'm not going to lie- I've used the "Call me Donnie! Call me Joey!" dialogue before, just for fun.

One girl didn't know what I was talking about. Oops.

Posted by: Abe Froman at June 10, 2009 5:50 PM

Causaubon: Are you kidding? Miss Piggy would be an awesome lay. She's sex on trotters.

Besides, quit trying to win an EE award by mentioning Sex and Muppets in the same sentence. Methinks Figgy is not so easily swayed for the win.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 10, 2009 5:58 PM

Deist...Idont know if it makes you horrible...but I wont be asking you to babysit my (non existant) kids any time soon. No offence

Posted by: Nadine at June 10, 2009 5:59 PM

i'm not going for brownie points with Figgy, i'm totally serious- i think Miss Piggy would be awful in the sack:

1) she is way do demanding
2) she would probably squeal in that super irritating high-pitched voice she uses when she wants something."Oh please Kermie!"
3) she's prone to fits of violent rage when she doesn't get her way
and 4) she's probably really loose. think about it- she's had a hand up her pork for the last 35 years, or so.

Posted by: causaubon at June 10, 2009 6:24 PM

Dawn in Teeth is fine to sleep with if you're a good Christian boy not bent on raping her. That young man who got two rounds in before the chomp certainly seemed to enjoy it.

Now May Kennedy in May...that's not a smart decision. Bitch bites and slices.

Posted by: Robert at June 10, 2009 6:27 PM

Aw Julie, have some sympathy--poor Edward Scissorhands can't even practice the self-lovin'.

Me, I'd probably give him a pity beej.

Posted by: sugar booger at June 10, 2009 7:16 PM

I'm not sure why Prince is on the list. I don't remember what year Purple Rain came out but I had to be early high school age at best. I saw it with my boyfriend and, holy cow, did that sex scene make me hot - to the point that we had to leave immediately afterwards. On the other hand, I tried to watch the movie a while back and it sucked so bad and the sex scene did absolutely nothing for me. So maybe it deserves to be on the list after all.

Posted by: elsie at June 10, 2009 7:18 PM

Mogwai anyone??

Posted by: Ari at June 10, 2009 7:27 PM

Rorschach? Because there's gotta be no way it wouldn't involve a psychotic break or three.

And that's before pants even come off.

Posted by: ssmiley at June 10, 2009 7:45 PM

I don't think many people could have done John Merrick.

Posted by: Cindy at June 10, 2009 7:52 PM

i always figured that Miss Piggy would be a terrible lay.

Nah, big girls try harder, and the corkscrew cooch could be fun.

Posted by: LwoodPDowd at June 10, 2009 7:57 PM

So apparently Forrest Gump the movie is based on Forrest Gump the book, and there's a sequel to the book. In that sequel Forrest and Jen-nay finally get it on. The ensuing dialogue went something like:

"Damn, Forrest, where you been all my life?"

"I been around."

Posted by: HappyGobo at June 10, 2009 8:19 PM

Asami from Audition. Bitch will seriously fuck you up. Seriously.

Batemen, on the other hand. I'd ride that yuppie trash like a stolen bike. He wouldn't slice and dice me afterward because I wear cheap clothes and went to a state university.

Posted by: Flannery at June 10, 2009 8:32 PM

Hahahahahahahahaa poor Miss Piggy. Only REAL men could handle Miss Piggy.

Posted by: figgy at June 10, 2009 8:34 PM

Only real FROGS.

Reminds me of the old joke: What's green and smells like pork?
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Odd that nobody mentioned Elizabeth Berkeley from Showgirls.

Posted by: Laughner at June 10, 2009 4:43 PM
---
If you hadn't, I would have.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 10, 2009 9:02 PM

Bletch the walrus or Dennis the porn addicted aardvark from Meet The Feebles.

Posted by: RandyPanTheGoatboy at June 10, 2009 10:36 PM

Madea wants to remind you that if she gets out her piece, you are going to give her a piece.

Then you will cry like Juliette Lewis after another of her World Without Spandex Night Terrors.

Posted by: Stacy D at June 10, 2009 10:57 PM

awww Meet the Feebles!! You just got in the will!!

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 10, 2009 11:19 PM

I luvs me Feebles I do. Proof positive that Peter Jackson does his best work with an fx budget that only extends to a sewing machine and curtain scraps

Posted by: RandyPanTheGoatboy at June 11, 2009 12:10 AM

Who's your favorite New Kid? Please don't go girl.

Posted by: superEdna at June 11, 2009 12:21 AM

the brain in Starship Troopers?

Posted by: rg at June 11, 2009 12:43 AM

With the tucking back and the Nazi bedspread, it's gotta be Buffalo Bill.

Posted by: Alayna at June 11, 2009 6:38 AM

Pinhead. Think of if he went down on you - ouch! The leather gear may be hot, but it doesn't make up for a punctured perineum.

That poor sod who had to wear the knife dildo in 'Seven'. I cross my legs every time I watch that.

Posted by: Tarn at June 11, 2009 7:28 AM

Alayna, thank you. I was scrolling through here wondering how Bill and his woman suit never got mentioned.

Posted by: Joe C. at June 11, 2009 8:24 AM

Perhaps their silence speaks volumes.

;)

Posted by: Alayna at June 11, 2009 8:51 AM

Julie, you just turned my day from shit to shinola with that first comment. Thank you. :)

Posted by: Mrs. Adams at June 11, 2009 9:28 AM