Oh Come, All Ye Blasphemers
Ever since Henry Ford, people have been crying wolf over the alleged “war on Christmas” with nothing really substantial to show for it. You guys, we’ve been declaring war on Christmas all wrong since then. Sure, there have been attempts to guilt us all into going along with the Christian ideal of Christmas. Like in 1959, The John Birch Society, “a conservative advocacy group supporting anti-communism and limited government”, declared an assault on Christmas.
“UN fanatics…What they now want to put over on the American people is simply this: Department stores throughout the country are to utilize UN symbols and emblems as Christmas decorations.”
It went as well as you’d expect.
It really came to a head on December 7th, 2004, when Bill O’Reilly went for the jugular and made it a thing revisited every goddamned year since then.
“Remember meeeeeee”, says the ghost of Christmas past
So it got me thinking, “Hey, self. What’s the best, most effective way to really declare war on Christmas?”
I’m glad you asked, me! I’ve compiled a list of gifts to give to those who think everyone, maybe even you, are assaulting Christmas.
For your doomsday prepper aunt and uncle who think they might be a little fancy:
For your 4chan cousin:
For your maybe not so progressive grandmother:
For your sister studying abroad in Amsterdam:
For your brother-in-law who brags about how smart your niece is for a 27-month old (or Ivanka Trump who doesn’t know how birthdays work):
Umm, Satan maybe?:
Ok this is getting out of hand:
For quite literally the worst person you know:
And their Pinterest-loving significant other (presumably):
War is hell, people. Be safe out there.
Bekka just realized she’s new here and doesn’t know if there’s a gift exchange amongst the Overlords and may have made a huge mistake